I read a story in the Daily Mail about a parent who received an invoice for the cost of a small child being a no show at another child's ski slope party.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2916379/Five-year-old-misses-friend-s-birthday-bash-INVOICED-15-95.html
Nowadays it's the fashion to invite everybody in the class so nobody feels left out. If somebody doesn't arrive, the host / birthday child might feel rejected.
Some people are sticklers for making decisions and sticking to them. Others are not.
Old fashioned etiquette says that you must reply in writing. You must attend on first come first served basis, even if you get a better offer, unless you are ill. You must send a gift, even if you cannot attend because the host had the goodwill to spend on inviting you, and you must reciprocate by spending an equal amount on the gift, even if you are unable to turn up for the food. At a wedding, the bride's parents would have received a gift from every person invited, and those unable to attend are sent a piece of wedding cake.
In the case of a children's party, similarly, a child unable to attend due to last minute illness, would deliver the card and gift. In return receive a take home gift bag.
Strictly speaking you should still send a gift even if you cannot attend. If the host really cares about the missing guest, who is a close friend, instead of assuming the guest hasn't bothered to turn up, they will call the missing guest to ask, 'Are you OK'.
You do end up being out of pocket for no shows at events and big parties which are catered. It is such a shame to sit at a wedding with an empty chair beside you. Or to look at an empty table - that the hosts have paid money for.
Even small parties cost money. If you order a big pizza for ten and only five people want to eat it.
Nowadays venues and caterers charge you for the numbers you specify. The host was peeved because she suffered triply, the embarrassment of the rejection of the host and the birthday child by the empty place, the lack of a party gift, and the cost of the usually non refundable catering.
The no show guests at restaurants, and parties, feel outraged at the idea of spending the money, which was equal to the outrage the venue and hostess felt at spending the money and saving places for no shows.
My view is that you are spending the money on a party to create goodwill. Both parents, host and guest, should have thought it was worthwhile covering the cost in order to create a pleasant atmosphere for their children at school.
I hope that maybe in later life the two children will get together again and happily resume their friendship, forgetting the rift caused by parents. That has happened twice in my family.
In one case second cousins married. Their parents were cousins. The cousins' parents, separated after their parents, (the bride and groom's grandparents), brother and sister, fell out over a will.
On another occasion with a happy outcome, I had not written to a good friend, a Japanese friend. She did not take umbrage. She did not get angry with me for not writing. She knew I felt warmly towards her and wrote saying she was anxious because she had not heard from me and wanted to know if everything was all right.
I replied thanking her and apologising and explaining that my mother had died and so I had been very busy arranging the funeral and looking after my father - and as an only child I had to make all the arrangements. (In addition I had not wanted to send her the bad news. But to write a jolly letter and not say your parent is difficult, as well as looking heartless.) She wrote back sympathising. I was very pleased to hear from her, and contrasted her action with the attitude of others.
I would like to end on a happier note, for the benefit of my reader, whether that's a friend, a 'friend I have not yet met', or myself at a later date.
I recall an incident when I lined up to get a piece of chocolate from a seller who was giving away pieces from large bars to tempt potential customers to buy. I could see the number of pieces going free getting smaller and smaller. I was delighted to get the last piece.
The person behind me in the queue said to me, angrily, 'You took the last piece!'
I was astonished at her reaction. Yes, if I'd been the person to miss out I'd also have been disappointed. But you can't blame the person ahead.
I didn't want to eat it in front of her, so I walked off. Out of sight, I thought about this. I was going to be spending the next three days at a conference trying to avoid her. I had spent well over a hundred pounds on a conference hoping to make friends and have a happy time. I had made an enemy and was unhappy and was going to continue to be unhappy for several days. Really - how much was the chocolate worth - one chunk from a bar of 10 costing between £1 and £3, total 10-30p. If I could donate a maximum of 30p to somebody and restore my happiness and theirs it was worth it.
I thought, I want a piece of the chocolate. I can give her the free piece and buy myself a whole bar. If it comes to that, I can eat my free piece, reward the company buy buying their chocolate, then give her a fresh piece from the bar.
But would she then get over her hostility to me? I assumed she would. I said to her, 'Sorry I took the last piece and you didn't get any - but what were you expecting me to do?'
She said, 'Divide it.'
I thought, that's absurd. Th chocolate bars are already made into chunks. The chunks are too big and solid to divide unless you have a knife. She wasn't a special friend expecting to spend the next half hour talking to me and eating with me and sharing food and drink.
I said to her, 'It's too small and hard to divide, but if I buy a chocolate bar and give you a piece will that make you happy?'
'No!' she snapped.
Years later I met her again, on a happy occasion. I chatted happily to others, and felt obliged to speak cordially to her. I don't know whether she had forgotten or forgiven, or was upset at so many things in life that mine was one of many and was less dramatic to her than it was to me. Or did she not remember me? I'll never know because I'll never raise the subject again. All I know is that I tried to make amends and be friends. And we are now friends.
If you had a choice of having enemies or friends, which would you prefer? Most people would prefer friends.
Waiting Lists
At the same time, guests sometimes turn up with friends or relatives uninvited. I think the same should be done as at restaurants. Guests are given a 15 minute window for delayed traffic. After fifteen minutes you either call the venue/host to say you are running late but definitely arriving. If you do not send a message, your place is given to somebody on the waiting list.
Some people may be willing to arrive unannouced, or to be on a waiting list and rush from home or nearby if a place becomes available.
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