Caricatures by Angella at Harrow Writers' Circle party

Despite the snow we gathered for drinks and food and fun and games and I drew caricatures.

Caricatures by Angella
Postcard size
b/w
£20
colour
£30
Two caricatures at same sitting (same person or two people)
£40
Can be done if we are at the same venue or you transport me or on line from Skype if you sit still or from a photo which you email to me.
Party entertaining caricatures. £100 an hour.
(My usual locations are London and once or twice a year in Singapore.

Conversation and Interrogation - What are you wearing?

Chat, conversation, interrogation - all different things.

Do you want to chat?

Yuk. Nobody in a pub or public place would start like that.

Chat - talk about nothing. Somebody who has too much time on their hands, dead-end job, lonely. Yes, there's certainly a time and place. But the really lonely don't want chit-chat which they can get by going round the local shops or seeing neighbours, who at least are people they will see again. The really lonely want to talk about their problems and their emotions. They want to get out of the house or office for a change of scene. That leads to conversation about mutual experiences, rapport, and then on to exchanges of confidential information.

Now, we'll come to where I am leading. You can have the strangers on a train syndrome. You meet somebody you are never likely to see again. You are faced with a stressful situation, such as a journey past unknown places. You team up against the outside world. Us against them. You confess to your problems back home, confident that your secrets will never be revealed or betrayed, and that your listener who has been with you several hours, and will be with you several hours more, so that if you make a mistake, you can correct it or get over it. You enjoy catharsis and sympathy.

But what sometime happens on adult sites is interrogation. Interrogation is one-sided. The questioner (usually male) asks something personal, then delves deeper, persists, or sends out a series of questions.

On the simplest level it's the cliche, 'What are you wearing?'

This makes many women irate. Why?

Do you dress from underwear up? What if you are not wearing anything sufficiently exciting? Should you lie? Are you supposed to fulfil his fantasies? Is that really the deal, your ability to harmonise with his wishes?

What if he asks for stockings and it's a freezing cold day and you are out on a dinner date in a smart restaurant? Do you say yes? Just to keep him happy during dinner.

But what happens afterwards? Will he find out? Does he intend to run his hands up your legs to check? You might even say 'no', even if you have worn stockings, to ensure he does not want too much too soon.

One of three things happens. You stop the conversation, change the subject, refuse to continue to talking an fall silent. Ask him what he is wearing. Challenge him. Are you wearing sexy ...? What colour socks are you wearing?

What if it gets even more personal. He asks if you are shaved. You could challenge - Did you have a pedicure?

Or switch the subject.

If you are really bold, loudly, 'Does your wife /girlfriend / ex know you are out with a ...' Or, "Do you meet a lot of woman for one night stands?' Maybe to save your own reputation, in case you are overheard. 'Do you think men are only after one thing?'

A man asked me a personal question in a low voice. i don't care what I say - so long as it's not about me. I responded by talking about a Museum of Sex in a much louder tone. He got really embarrassed.

On the phone it can be even more of a mismatch of intentions. If the man keeps asking your tastes and habits. Have you ever done this. Would you like to do that. My feeling is that you need to say no sex on a first date regardless, to rule out a trouble-maker who won't take no for an answer if you don't like the look of him.

A whole lot of men, whether submissive or claiming to be dominant, won't actually make a move. Maybe you don't get on anyway. But you have to be careful. Now, back to the interrogation on the phone. It looks as though he is being very sympathetic, asking you all about yourself, and you may think that he is trying to get closer to your interests. But as soon as you give a wrong answer, or express unwillingness to try something he asks about, you run the risk that he will stop and say, "I'm looking for - sorry.' Line dead, Or conversation ends. You've spent time revealing all to somebody who doesn't want you. You have to be very confident to deal with this. Even about wasting your time.

So, at what point do you challenge the interrogator, try to keep control of the conversation. Ask, where is this going? What are you trying to find out? What happens if you don't like my answer?

I said to one person, 'This sounds like an interrogation.' He replied, 'It is.' I replied, "I don't want an interrogation. I want a conversation.'

Then there's the conversation which ends with the interruptions - yours or theirs. Departure to the loo, and start conversation on mobile with somebody else.

The date or phone call ends because somebody in the family is sick. Is this just a ruse?

If it's true, is that why they want to get away from the problems at home? Do you want somebody who has to cut short calls and meetings.

On the other hand, your sympathy could be just what they need.

The message is often in the tone of voice or eye contact. If you are getting positive responses, I just love this, I love that, then you are making progress.

But if the questioner is sending you into negatives, and defensiveness, and challenges, such as, 'Why are you asking this?" then the interrogation has gone too far. It's time to get back to conversation, mutual interests, and establishing rapport.

I'd be interested to hear your opinions. And your experiences. Have you said the wrong thing? Been asked the wrong thing? Found a funny answer? Made a mistake and corrected it? Learned from one experience and got it right the next time?

Advice

Stay friendly and positive.

A

A

Getting Along With Others

Ninety per cent of getting on well is one or both parties having a policy of getting on well.

'I make it my business to get on well with everybody.' Opposite of 'I do not suffer fools gladly.'

As soon as somebody asks, 'What if we don't get on?' I suspect we won't.

As soon as they say, 'Whatever happens, we'll make the best of it and have a good time' I know we'll both have a great time.
I hope you and I are the latter.

Getting Along With Others

Ninety per cent of getting on well is one or both parties having a policy of getting on well.

'I make it my business to get on well with everybody.' Opposite of 'I do not suffer fools gladly.'

As soon as somebody asks, 'What if we don't get on?' I suspect we won't.

As soon as they say, 'Whatever happens, we'll make the best of it and have a good time' I know we'll both have a great time.
I hope you and I are the latter.

Comedy turned to Tragedy Talentless contest

As a comic act I'd previously had a warm welcome with my roll-up pianos and puppets. I also got a warm reception at my rehearsal with a story about dating a man with a beard who was eating spagetti.

I asked advice from my friend comedy writer Brad Ashton who has written for Groucho Marx and lots of famous comedy performers. He gave me a great tip on remembering your jokes. Just remember them A-Z. So my jokes went from Albert onwards.

I had my props on a table in advance. I'd asked one of the organizers to signal when four minutes was up so I could reach the end before being interrupted by the bell. It was a competition - no taking more time than the others.

I even did a last minute rehearsal on site in front of the neighbours. Then on stage I died a death, abandoned most of my scenes half way through and barely got to minimum five minutes twice.

What I've learned
I was on first, with no warm-up or great introduction from the MC. I was expected Barry Cryor to do the warm-up. But the first venue, the pub, had no music license so we ended up at the end of a field in a club hut.

Then - the usual problems with microphones.

Beer & Football Jokes
I knew from my previous contest that the crowd liked beer and football. should have had jokes about drink and football. Ironically, next morning I was tuned to Absolute radio and they had a poem about football, created as a found poem - using words from letters members of the public wrote about the referee controversy. Interestingly, when it started it sounded just like comments, but as the poem progressed I heard that it had rhyming couplets and a chorus of repeated lines. Gosh - I can do that. On the other hand their poem was entertaining, rather than funny. To make a poem funny I would try to add innuendo, or rhymes which sound as if a swear-word is coming but instead you find another word with the same rhyme - making perfect sense.

Judges
The judges were a mixture, just like the You've got Talent on TV. A belligerent male, a kind female.
(MC "Has the other judge got anything to say?" Judge: "Yes. I'm going for a piss.")

You have to plan not just a response to a heckler, but to a belligerent judge. I shall watch the TV shows with greater interest now.

And how you deal with somebody who shouts a rude comment after you've left the stage? Do you keep telling yourself, "I'm the greatest!" Or what? Ignore it? Have an answer ready when your return?

Exits
I was performing in front of the door to the Gents. I could have made a joke about that.

What can go wrong with comedy?

Microphone & Sound Level Chats
1 You need a few funny things to say about microphones instead of the usual, 'Hello - can everybody hear me at the back?' Maybe, "As I was saying in bed last night .... - is this microphone live? - Can everybody hear me? Even the people at the back."

One of our great comedians got fed up with audiences ignoring him. He went into a rant and everybody laughed. So that became his act.

Children In Audiences
Other people have more chutzpah than I have. I sat through a poetry reading with children in the front row and poets reading poems full of four letter words. I was not happy, for myself, nor for the children.

As far as I'm concerned, with children in the audience, all blue jokes are out. I was warned about this in advance by the organizers.

I thought I didn't have any blue jokes. I'm very subtle. All innuendo. But you need to have the confidence to raise your eyebrows like Benny Hill to succeed at this.

Your Supporters
Jokes about your husband or mother-in-law or children are out if yours there. I've seen top comedians go on despite having their Mum in the audience. Then when interviewed afterwards, they wave at mum. My supporters were at the back. They could not see nor hear. Although they shouted and waved at the start. Supporters at the back is a mistake. But they needed seats and arrived to find only seats at the back not taken. An empty area at the front made a stage created at the front, so I did not interact with the audience. The judges blocked off the front row.

Drunks
I thought one of the judges was drunk (maybe another - was there a third judge). And some of the audience. I could be wrong. They'd been watching football on TV and drinking through the afternoon, I understood. The bar person was taking orders for drinks and chatting to customers during my act and during the little kids' singing.


The photos show:

The volunteer - a girl of primary school age who was a singer was shy. My pulling the puppets and asking her to pull the puppets did not make her laugh but look scared and confused. I realized I should have got her at ease first with questions she could answer such as what's your name and how old are you, before asking her to take any action.

Photos show me with a big smile. Props are on the table behind. Also in plastic carrier bag. Now it looks untidy. You can make a joke about being a bag lady.

I shall be looking very closely at stage acts.. Musicians and singers usually have an assistant handing the props.

The most experienced and famous performers can die on stage. I heard about at American women who used her American jokes to a UK audience. The UK audience missed all the references to US shows which aren't known here.

However, it's useful information for my forthcoming talk on my experiences as a speaker. My Friday morning talk on public speaking was a great success.

Speaking in Public

I'm going to summarize my speech on How To Give A Good Speech but first here's where I gave the speech and where I'll be speaking next. I won a ribbon at Harrovians Toastmasters on Monday 16th November 2009 for my five minute prepared talk on How To Give A Good Speech. It was my rehearsal for my talk to U3A.

I rehearsed again on Thursday at Harrow Writers' Circle but was delighted and impressed to hear that another author had spoken to 90 people and sold 40 books at her book-signing at a nearby College where she teaches. If you want to sell books, give a talk based on one book and make it clear that the purpose of the talk is to raise interest in the book.

In my talk to the writers, the example I gave about self-promotion is that you may be speaking to a gardening club about how to grow roses. You must make it clear to the audience and yourself whether your main purpose is to promote your business selling roses or entertain them with a talk simply as a goodwill gesture.

Focus on both I said in my speech to University of the Third Age 10 am to 11 am at Harrow Arts Centre. I had an enthusiastic, smiling audience of about 50 people. Afterwards I was approached by members of the audience to speak to Rotary and JACS.

My friend Brad Ashton, who has written a book on writing comedy, said I should always ask to be paid, £60 or £100. Other branches of U3A pay him. He spoke once for free at an old people's home and they asked him back and the second time he wanted to be paid. He told them, "You charge residents £1000 a week." (And pay all the staff). I expect to be paid."

They said, "But you spoke for free last time. We thought you were a volunteer."
One could say, "But now I need the money." (Is it wise to add, 'I also have medical and dental bills to pay'?)

ANGELA'S SPEECH ON SPEAKING IN PUBLIC
I told the audience I was the speaker.
(At Harrovians I told the audience about how I'd gone to a talk by Mrs Maxwell. I asked the nondescript woman beside me if the talk was going to be any good. She said she hoped so. When the introduction was made I discovered that I had been sitting talking to Mrs Maxwell. I think the speaker should be dressed conspicuously and everybody should know who the speaker is.)

I put on a witch's hat and said,

MEMORABLE
A speech should be memorable. So long as you aren't giving a funeral speech you can be funny and entertaining. You could even be amusing at a funeral speech if the deceased was a comedian or had made a lot of jokes when he was alive.

If you are small, a hat helps people to see you.

PROPS
You are remembered if you have props. People often tell me they remember my talk months later. They remember my puppets. I talk to my puppets. Like this one. He wants to whisper something to me. He says he's not a parrot; he's a toucan. Anything you can do, toucan do.

One marketing speaker used a ruler which she gave to members of the audience. She told the audience to measure. They remembered her presentation. I wasn't even there, but the image is so strong that I remember it.

INVOLVE THE AUDIENCE
Find out who is in the audience and what you have in common and what their interests or problems are.
Ask people why they came to the talk and what they need to know.
Please put your hand up if you've given a wedding speech - thanks - or are about to give one.
How many of you are giving technical talks for work?
Any other subjects - just general speeches on hobbies?

What is often done is that the speaker asks the audience to stand up, shake hands with each other, or speak to the person alongside. Why don't I do this!
Please stand up and shake hands with the person on your right and tell them, 'You're a good person!' (Laughter.)

SPEAK LOUDLY & CLEARLY
Ask people in the back row to wave if they can hear you. Can you hear me in the back row? Good.
You could bring along a helper who sits in the back row. They could wave if they can't hear. Or hold up a card. Or cup their ear.

If you have a beard you should speak slowly and pause between each word to help the listener. Some people in your audience may be lip-reading. The elderly, adults or children. And even people with normal hearing do a lot of lip-reading. We have noise from workman in Harrow Arts Centre. But I can get some words across with a mixture of lip movements and head movements and hand movements. Watch me saying no and yes without any sound. (NO. YES.) You could see when I was saying no and when I was saying yes, couldn't you.

(One lady in the audience says that her friend tells her, 'Keep your glasses on when I'm talking to you.' This has become a standing joke, which they say when they phone each other.)

MY BOOKS
I've written a book called Wedding Speeches & Toasts. You can buy it or get it from your library. It will tell you how to write a speech. When you want to practise your speech, I suggest you go to Toastmasters.

TOASTMASTERS
Toastmasters International is all over the world. It started in America in the 1920s when a man rehearsed a speech in front of a couple of friends. They met again, and other friends came along to listen and support. so they formed a club. Gradually they spread to other cities. Then to other English speaking countries. All over the world. I belong to two groups in Harrow. One meets on Mondays. The other meets on Thursdays. We'd love you to come along. Go on line to Toastmasters International Find A Club. Or contact me. My business cards are on the table here. Please take one at the end of this meeting.

READING
Reading is different from speaking. You'd think it would be easier than giving a speech. You don't have to plan it. Just stand up and read. You probably remember reading aloud in school and how scary it was. You may have grandchildren who read aloud in school and ask you for help. The important thing is make it sound interesting and emphasize the right words. In English we often emphasize the first syllable, unlike the French who emphasize the last syllable. We say Paris. The French say paree.

In English we also stress the last word in a sentence. When you read aloud you find that a sentence ending with a word such as 'to' loses impact. Actors who read aloud whole plays, or Shakespeare plays, will underline the important words. That's a useful trick. When you read aloud, you'll find that you can re-write a sentence to be sure you end with the word which is most important.

PLAN THE ENDING
Finally - yes, finally you should tell the audience that you have nearly finished.

Then end with a summary and a last joke or quotation or a variation on the one from the start.
When you have a list of things needed in a speech, the last one will be a call to action. Let me give you a call to action. Read my books. Take my business card. Find me on Facebook under Fans of AngelaLansburyAuthor Diary, and I will write you a poem or a poem about your business or hobby. If you don't have a computer, go to your library and ask the librarian to help you find AngelaLansburyAuthorDiary

To show you have finished, you nod your head and smile and bow, like this!

Question Time

Question (On Masons & Toastmasters)
"What's the difference between Masons and Toastmasters?"
Answer
I don't know Masons but I'll tell you about Toastmasters and you can tell me whether Masons is the same. Toastmasters is a charity, or not for profit organization. Women are allowed to join. You are told not to speak about religion or politics or raise money for commerce or charity at a meeting because it's open to people of any political view or religion or none so everybody should be allowed and encouraged to come along. It's more or less worldwide.

You can come along to meeting without paying just to listen and support - we speakers need an audience to practise on - except in places like Singapore where they meet in hotels and have group meals so most people attending pay for their share of the meal, and in December in all countries you often have a restaurant meal instead or as well and you pay for that, although sometimes some or all of the cost is paid by the club, depending on their budget.

Question (On voice pitch)
"How do you modulate your voice? Mine sounds high and squeaky when I get emotional."

Answer
Take deep breaths or meditate before speaking to feel calm. Tell yourself you are calm. Think of the listener instead of the subject which is upsetting you or yourself. Take a deep breath. And speak slo -o-owly. Practice in front of the mirror speaking with a lower voice - you know you can do it because you just demonstrated a higher tone and a lower tone to us.

Question (On breathlessness)
I run out of breath. What can I do about it?

Answer
Take a deep breath before starting each sentence. Pause between sentences so you can breathe in again. Practice reading your speech in front of the mirror. If you write long sentences you will run out of breath. Reading aloud will show you which sentences are too long. Write shorter sentences. Instead of reading your own thoughts word by word, write key words and then speak normally.

Question (On wedding speeches)
"How do you give a good wedding speech?"

Answer
Get my book on Wedding Speeches and Toasts from the library or buy it on line new or second hand. Join Toastmasters to practise your speech. When writing the speech, remember that half the audience don't know the groom, and the other half don't know the bride. It's a classic speech of praise where you must not talk about yourself but about the person you are praising.

You also have to create or maintain goodwill towards the bride and groom. it sounds obvious and easy, but there can be people sitting in the audience, even the family, upset about the hotel or the catering, why the rest of the family weren't invited - I can tell by the nods and laughter that this isn't as rare as we'd like to think. In the olden days the best man would cause trouble for the groom. I've spoken to lots of hotel managers who say they won't allow anybody except the bride and groom into the bridal suite - because they've had the best man claiming to deliver flowers and then wrecking the bed or the entire room. Your job is to ensure maximum goodwill towards bride and groom or whoever you are praising or thanking, so the person the speech is about, and everyone else in the room, feels warm and friendly towards the couple.

So you praise, praise, praise. Say how talented and worthy the bride is, lots of good stories about her talents and kindness, and good things about the groom. And if he's never done anything in his life except tell a few silly jokes, say what a happy soul he is and how lucky she is that whatever troubles life throws at them, he will always be lighthearted, look on the bright side, and help her to be happy.

Question (On Poetry)
"Does a poem need to start with a surprise?" (Speaker then quotes his own comic poem about how the Swiss cope with an avalanche but the British have trouble dealing with a few inches of snow.)

Answer
A lovely comic poem. A film should start with an avalanche or an earthquake, they say. I agree that it helps to get the audience's attention from the start, especially if we are talking about spoken poetry. But even when you are writing it for somebody to read on the page, it's good to start dramatically, with a first line memorable enough for people to quote. May I digress on the subject of avalanches and earthquakes?

Question (On Speaking to Children)
"I'm speaking to group of schoolchildren, giving a Powerpoint presentation about Rotary. Have you any advice?"

Answer
Find out the interests of the children by asking the teachers or parents or grandparents of children the same age. If their interests are computers, or football, or bikes, find something in the history or membership of your organization which is relevant to their interests or show how the two could be linked.

If they have to attend your talk as part of an exam or course, show how they can use the information in their job or university studies, or an exam paper question, or an essay or research, or in an interview as a candidate for a job or university place.

If you are pointing to a slide, or writing on a board, don't stand in front of the picture you're showing. And don't talk to the picture. Face the audience. Stand at one side. Point to the area of the slide from a distance. If there's no pointer, improvise, with a walking stick or an umbrella.

Question (On how to avoid misunderstandings when Americans and others use English words differently)
I went to the USA where the word pavement means the centre of the road and they use the word sidewalk for what the British call pavement. What can one do to prevent this happening?

Answer
You need to go through an American-English book or on line list. You can also find them for Singlish - Singaporean English which has a few similar words with different meanings.

Show your typed out speech to two or three people, some who speak English as a first language, others who speak American or another version or are foreign language speakers. You could ask them to summarise what you have said to see whether they have understood.

In the meeting itself, ask people to raise their left hand whenever you use a word they don't understand, or if your meaning is not clear.

I evaluated a speech in Singapore, and I spoke about the plot of the story a girl had read. Afterwards she said my comments on English pronunciation were most helpful. But what was the meaning of the word plot!

Question (On adding a speech to a toast)
"I'm speaking at my grandson's barmitzvah, giving a toast to the State of Israel. Can I say a few words about my grandson? What do you suggest?"

Answer
You are supposed to be making a Toast on that subject. So you can't talk about your grandson, except maybe a one-sentence introduction to say how much he likes Israel, or visited it or wants to go there - is the barmitzvah in Israel? No - people are shaking their heads. You will lose the audience if you don't stick to the subject of the Toast -

A person the audience just said it's not a toast to the State of Israel but to the President of Israel. When you make a speech, the rule is talk more about the person you are praising than about yourself. But a toast is simply a request for the audience to raise their glasses and drink a toast. The Toastmaster will announce you as, 'Please fill your glasses - so and so will now make a toast to the President of the State of Israel.'

The Toastmaster, has your slot down as one minute, and the audience expect you to keep to time so that the ones with diabetes and epilepsy don't have fits because you've talked so long they've been stopped from starting on their soup, or the staff went home before they could serve dessert.

If you want to talk about your grandson, maybe the boy's parents could arrange for extra speeches - like some African or Caribbean weddings where the microphone is passed around and everybody can give praise and advice about the bride or groom - I've also seen this done at funerals and birthday parties. But no long speech during a toast. Too many people are tutting and muttering that a toast is a toast.

Question (On arousing sleepy schoolchildren)
How do I keep the audience awake? I'm giving talks to a school all through the day, and the master says the hardest session is the first when they are half asleep.

Answer
Use music, ideally a song - especially if they can join in the chorus. Does your group have a song? No? - Then write a song - or I'll write one for you. Any kind of music or sound will do. Somebody told me he'd been at a meeting where the speaker woke the audience by firing a pistol. I think that's scary. Somebody might have a heart attack. Isn't there a piece of music which jolts people awake? The Surprise Symphony? Thank you. I'd rather do something jolly, like a waltz. (I have the Radestski march on my mobile phone.)

Question
"What was on the slides we missed?"

Answer (On text of missing slides)
Did everybody hear the question? What's your name? Fred asked about the slides. Fred wants to know what he missed. (Laughter.)
The slides started with portraits of people I was quoting. Hillel - if not now, when.

Slides should not have every word of your speech. They should tell the speaker the subject as a quick reminder at a glance. Changing the slides helps keep the audience watching. Anybody who is hard of hearing, or doesn't speak English, or if the speaker muttered, or there were noises from outside, or a visitor came in late, they can see the subject from the slide with one quick glance, without getting distracted from the speaker.

I have a big picture of my witch's hat. An ear for the section on being heard.
Another slide showed the summary of my speech to come.
The last two slides say The End, then Question Time.

Now Fred knows what he missed. And so does everybody else. (Laughter.)

Toastmasters-style Evaluation of Angela's speech by another:
Commend : The audience was happy and smiling. You say you were lucky with your audience but it was mostly down to you because any speaker can alienate an audience and you kept them interested and attentive.

Recommend:
A couple of details to bear in mind if you give the same talk again.
1 During question time, don't stand too near the front row because half your body is hidden by the front row.
You also want to avoid shouting over the head of people in the front row.
2 Don't promote your books to much. In the UK it comes across as pushy. It's enough to hold them up for one minute during the talk and one minute at the end.

Commend : You are 99% there. When speaking about speaking you have to demonstrate that you can do it and you did. You passed with flying colours. Relaxed. Smiling. Cheery. Joking.
***
Angela's Verdict - What I learned
Have a checklist of props.
Rehearse with electrics a week in advance - if necessary go to the previous week's session, take your equipment and try it out after the meeting's over.
Wash your hair the night before, not the morning of a morning talk.
Have a pen in your pocket to write down the points made by people who come up afterwards.
Record your talk on video.

Offer to sign books - and ask the person introducing you to say so.
Have a sign saying the price of the books. People may be too shy to ask. You want feedback on the price.
If you are selling books, they should be on the topic of the talk, or the topic of the talk should include a brief reading from each book.
Have an aisle so you can walk towards people who ask questions during question time.

PHOTOS Will be added later. Please come back.

What photos say about you at different times of day

When a woman receives a series of pictures from somebody, with only the briefest message, what is he trying to tell you?
Big ego? Self-obsessed?

Wants flattery?

Could be the opposite. Lacks self-confidence? Wants to be sure you like him before risking a date.

That he isn't as glamorous as his main picture?

That he's busy at work but hopes you'll stay interested until he gets around to calling you next week?

That if he send pictures which are half clothed and fully clothed he will find out what the recipient wants long term - or on a first date - which could be different.

One man sends one picture that a trick of the light made it look like he'd had a triple heart by-pass.

A face picture, even if he's not good looking, can be lovely. The smile makes all the difference. You feel he would be welcoming, fun to meet.

Remember the recipient of a photo is self-centred. They want to know how you will react when they meet you. Will you smile? Or glare?

Oddly enough, even on an 'adult' site, a full clothed photo strikes a better note when you open an email when you are at work.

You think, I'm at work. What is this guy doing all day? Unemployed, sitting at home playing with himself? Is this his main daytime activity?

Or does he love hiking? Or music?

But, again, you might think he's never at home at his city job but spends all his time hiking around the world.

One national newspaper's dating advice colour suggests a photo in a cemetery.

To me this is a definite no-no. A woman reads the headlines, such as Body found in cemetery (Don't laugh - I know cemeteries are full of bodies). On second thoughts, please laugh. I shall use this line in y stand up comedy tomorrow. Seriously, headlines read:' Woman murdered by man met on internet. ' Or 'Date rape'. Newspapers and internet news are full of stories of attacks and deaths. You don't want to be linked in her mind to any kind of scary thought. to my mind red flags or warning signs include photos of any weapon, whether it's on an army tank or something smaller. And anything to do with cemeteries is an absolute no-no. I'm surprised that anybody needs to be told this. Above all those connected with a newspaper.

The photo must reassure the reader that you are interested in them.

My rules:

1 Smile
2 Face the camera
3 Wear you smartest outfit
4 Wear what you will wear when you meet on a first date
5 No other adults in the picture -
6 No disembodied hands or cut in half exes
7 Save nude pictures until after you already know somebody
8 No children or grandchildren - unless you intend taking them on the first date (to avoid attracting undesirables don't show minors). Gives the impression your kids need a mother or father. If so, you could say so. But send the photos when you have a candidate.
9 Would you like to meet the person in your photo?
10 If you don't like the way you look, change it. At least wear clothes which minimise your faults. Then at least the other person knows what they are getting and you know they are happy with you the way you really are.

World Travel Market Delights 2

Day two of the World Travel Market and despite the economic downturn their are stories aplently with huge stands from Spain, israel and others but India and Nepal dominated my day, with the strange sight of film of cricketers below Everest breaking records for the highest location for a cricket match. They got in the Guinness book of records I believe and raised money for charity. You can see a photo of one of the teams in the bar of a Nepalese restaurant in Wandsworth, South London, where the UK based team used to meet. Nepal's other novelty sports activities around Everest include bungee jumping, rafting the rapids, and feeding hawks which dive at you as you float around in mid-air with bits of raw meat. I was impressed, although all day I'd been writing a stand-up comedy spoof for Saturday, when at a local pub I shall promote Hatch End, whose tourist figures have doubled, from one to two. I refrained from murmuring that people who hang around in midair feeding raw meat to hawks had better not tell their vegetarian friends.

I usually smile politely. But this year the journalists, deprived of the usual champagne breakfasts, free lunches and copious goody bags, not satisfied with a few pens and notebooks, coffee and the occasional chocolate or chocolate biscuit, seem to be an alarmingly bolshy lot. 'What about those of us who are not superfit?' objects one of the audience. We get a great answer. It's not only for the super-fit who end up losing weight. One lady walked around the lower slopes enjoying mountain air and got back in shape.

Yes, it's best not to be shy but to come right out boldly asking questions on touchy subject. Because it inspires the tourist boards and PRs to reveal other attractions which they might not otherwise have mentioned. One journalist asks, 'What about the palace in Kathmandu?' It is being turned into a museum. A bet that will be fascinating.

Neighbouring India is promoting all kinds of celebrations, with the Commonwealth Games coming up and an advertising character of a tiny, friendly tiger. You can celebrate the centenary of Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale, said one of the journalists. A hilarious moment when one member of the audience asked why the brochure advertising incredible India has an article about the Indian railways, illustrated by pictures of trains in Thailand and the UK? The question time was quickly brought to a close and we went onto a lovely show of India's visual attractions on screen.
Accommodation ranges from homestays to palaces. If you've already done Delhi and the taj and Mumbai, you might try Kerala, or the Punjab - who famous city is Amritsar where visitors can have a free meal in the temple (donations are given by devotees and accepted from others but not mandatory). I met a man who organizes sweet tours all around the world. I love Indian sweets, their 'marzipan' being covered with edible silver foil.

Israel reminded us that the small city of Safed where sages are buried, revered rabbis from previous centuries, you can have a red and blue cotton bracelet like a famous singer.

On the French stands I stopped to look at brochures about tours of the Somme and other Great War battlegrounds. Near the city of Albert is the spot where Siegfried Sassoon in my book describes standing watching the battle.

What about those of us who are in the UK? Exhibitors at the travel fair can enjoy the Ripley's Believe It Or Not exhibition whose entrance is visible from Piccadilly Circus. I first saw their show in the USA. Film sites abound. I want to go as far away as northern Scotland to see the setting of Local Hero. On line you'll find guides to tours of Scotland's film locations. This winter they are promoting winter white tours. Next year the city celebrating will be Perth.

I'll tell you more about what's new in the world in my next blog.

World Travel Market Delights

Jimmy Choo, OBE,whose shoes send emotional girls into screams of delight, is the smartly dressed unassuming, smiling ambassador for Malaysia, I met him on the stand where he revealed that his shoes which are sold in London and Malaysia are manufactured in Italy. Malaysia has cheap flights, like Thailand, and another attraction of flying to the Far East is that you can combine trips to Malaysia and Indonesia as the two countries are doing co-operative marketing.

Another surprise to me was that visitors from countries such as Indonesia visit Israel and in co-operative marketing are that Israel, Jordan and Egypt have found that visitors to the area like to travel in groups so that a group visa makes travel simple and they add excursions to neighbouring countries. More co-operative tourism talk involves North and South Cyprus.

Food and drink are of interest to everybody at The World Travel Market which this year, 2009, is full or worthy projects about green tourism in 2010, but the average tourist on a holiday, not a mission, is more interested in getting good food, and whether you stay in a five star hotel or a bed and breakfast (both apparently available in Serbia - which has a delightful logo of its name with the B turned sideways into a heart. My photographer Trevor cannot drink alcohol because of the drugs he is taking, but he is an espresso coffee enthusiast as well as a chocoholic, so he and I were more interested in the most accessible chocolate delights for the British tourists which are in Bruges in Belgium, at the factory tour. On the Belgian stand we watched the chocolate expert making white chocolates with strawberry centres, milk chocolates with chocolate centres and dark chocolates with nutty centres. Divine. He told us that Belgian chocolates must by law be made entirely from chocolate so that they have cocoa butter in them. He showed us the yellow cocoa butter - which is apparently an ingredient in the better lipsticks.

In Bruges you can also visit a potato chip factory and the same company runs a museum about lamps. If you do all three museums tours there is a reduction on the price. The chocolate tour factory is open to visitors all year including Sundays except for one week in early January.

Trevor said another chocolate favourite, almost as good - I thought it was even better - and a new taste, was the pistaccio nut filling of the chocolates on an Egyptian stand.I'd heard of American chocolates. everybody knows English chocolates by Cadbury's, Belgian chocolates, Swiss chocolates, but Egyptian chocolates - recommend it.

Family Love, Hate, Fat & Firstborn

The newspapers are carrying stories about hate crimes, attacks on fat people and honour killings. Makes me realize how lucky I was to have what I considered unexceptional and normal. loving parents. So what has gone wrong when people attack their children, or total strangers in the street? And of the victims, what has gone wrong when they defy their parents, run away, or eat excessively? Are these two sides of the same coin?

Is there a common pattern whether the offspring or victims are male or female? Or does it vary?

Female, Firstborn - and Fat- Seeking Love
For example, let's take the females who are overweight, or victims of 'honour' killings, or runaways converting to another religion. I know of one instance of a friend's family where the firstborn child was a girl and the father wanted a boy. The gap between the children was several years, enough for the a pattern to be set in which the disappointed father criticized the daughter. She was heavily overweight until after she married and her father died. So here's eating for emotional compensation, comfort eating. And pressure on a firstborn female to punish her for not being a firstborn son.

Seeking Love Elsewhere
Then, the 'honour' victims are sometimes girls. The parents want to control the girls. But the female seek love elsewhere. Sometimes the runaway does not care how upset their parents are if the unmarried girls choose somebody from another group. The girls are running to - love elsewhere.

But instead or in addition the runaways may be running away from - home. Sometimes the love-seeker deliberately seeks out another religion or race. It is not merely the fascination of something different and new, like the traveller seeking new experiences. It is an attempt to start again, where the runner's childhood and past is not held against them. Also to avoid all the aspects which have brought about pain or punishment in the past.

Or is it simpler than this? If you look at anthropology, some groups go for marrying within the group. Others marry out.

Opportunity
Educated women, or those moving to a Western culture, have oportunities to meet other groups, Is it chance and bad luck that they pick somebody the parents disapprove of?

Choice
Is it merely defiance? Resistance? Or simply that when you are told you can't have something, you want it?

Or is it taking the first opportunity to get away from emotional abuse? Or is it a deliberate choosing of another group, thinking, 'my group does not love me or make me happy, so try elsewhere'.

I look at a news story and think I see a pattern. But you need a control group. One can always argue, yes, but some people who are punished from childhood do not overeat. Some people do not run away and break the rules.

Each case is different and can involve one or more of these elements. I am looking for a solution to the problems. Sometimes when you look at the question, just phrasing the question tells you the answer. As you get older and more experienced, you see more repeating patterns. I think, 'Not another ....!' Jumping on somebody in the street without knowing about them is prejudice. The whole point of law courts is that you hear both sides. A wise judge, or head of an organization, hears both sides before judging.

Toilet design

I looked at the fanciful designs for toilets.

They all looked claustrophobic.

I never walk into any building unless it has windows and looks like you can communicate with the outside world or climb out in an emergency.

Where is the Z shape entrance enabling you to enter hands free with your suitcase on wheels or shopping trolley, whilst concealing those inside from view?

Where is the window to the outside, for the claustrophobic and for exit in any emergency of a different kind?

Where are the mirrors so you can comb your hair and check you skirt is not caught at your waist and your shoes are not dragging bits of toilet paper?

Where are the foot operated bins for dispsoal without getting your hands dirty?

Are the seats wide enough to support a 20 stone person without breaking, sliding sideways, and leaving everybody else without toilets for a year?

Are they cheap enough to build and produce and distribute and move to new locations?

What about toilets for events, exhibitions? Any event attended by more than 100 people is going to cause a long queue.

Where are the seats so that people can wait for friends?

Where are the wide hooks which can hold your heavy shopping bag?

Does the toilet wash down?

Does it use natural light so you can see if you can't find a light switch, or if there is a power cut, and to save energy in daytime?

What was the brief given to the architects - a brief which should have included the maximum heights and weights of people in a cubicle and number of cubicles - even room for adding more cubicles, like a lego block or mosaic or jigsaw.

How much space is needed in a cubicle for a wheelchair or twins in a buggy?

How much space is needed around a toilet to get in when the door is opening and shutting?

Which colours are most soothing?

Where is the automatic dispenser of toilet paper and towels?

The room around the drier so it doesn't go off in your ear whilst you are washing your hands.

Is it free of metal toilets and basins so that a faulty light bulb does not electrocute you?

How about a free flow of air to keep it smelling sweet.

Pictures and information?

Wash your hands signs.

Apparently the latest successful health measure ask you if the person next to you is washing with soap, not just water.

Signs should at least read Please wash your hands with soap, not only water - the soap makes a big difference.

Ickenham's Got Talent

Wetherspoons pub Friday 18 Sept 2009 celebrated its anniversary. Wetherspoons pubs feature local history and the Titchenham Arms has pictures including one of diarist Samuel Pepys (famous for describing The Fire of London, the plague, and his seduction of an employee). Pepys visited local VIPs near here.
The pub is very sociable. Everybody knows the staff. Lucy is leaving and the talent night ended with three girls wearing wigs singing a parody of a song adapted to Lucy, with the words handed around to the audience. The talent contest had six entrants, four female singers, a man playing a guitar and me reciting comic poetry. The show started after nine pm when the compere announced that children had to leave because of licensing laws.
I wore a cowgirl hat and carried a red fur toy snake around my neck. A neighbour started laughing when she saw me cross the road to the car taking me to the talent contest. She called, 'Larger than life!'
The singers were all great, some with special effects to their voices. But the winner not only had an unusual voice, like Kate Bush, but dramatic gestures to go with it giving her extra stage presence.
Afterwards I got some smiles and laughs from people at nearby tables with my parrot puppet, by flapping its wings.

What have I learned?

1 If you want the audience to join in you need a song with a short, memorable chorus. You need song sheets to hand out.

2 If the sound level is muffled and the people at the back can't see you on stage (because they are behind pillars) and if they can't hear because they have their back to you and their mates are shouting at them something more interesting (who can blame them - good luck to them if they have friends who are more fascinating than the entertainers) then jokes must be one liners and you need a song for audience participation.

3 if you are short wear a tall hat and dramatic costume.

4 To get votes you must bring along lots of friends. Or work the crowd by going up to every table in advance, smiling, introducing your self, handing out a business card and maybe doing some interactive puppet work.

5 Alternatively interact with the audience by throwing things into the crowd or offering prizes.

6 Keep smiling, whether or not they listen, whether or not the sound system works, and whether or not you win. The audience want to have a good evening and so do you when you are performing.

Writers read at Vision Division

Comic operetta writer, Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan fame was inspiring me from his memorial on the wall of the church as I prepared to introduce an evening of entertaining stories and poems written by members of Harrow Writers' Circle.
The vicar, James Mercer welcomed us to All Saints Church and told us he hoped the Festival called Vision Division would encourage us to see the church as a community centre where we could come back for religious or secular events. Harrow Writers' Circle Chairman, Oscar Monteiro, explained that The Harrow Writers' Circle had previously been writing in a backwater and we were delighted to have been invited to perform by the vicar and artist Steve Nash who was organizing the week-long art exhibition. Oscar handed over to me as mc and I asked the audience to turn off their phones because the echo was such that we would all share their conversations with Aunt Agatha. I told them if there was a fire I would run to my nearest exit behind me and those nearby should follow me. However, providing the fire was not in their way, people at the back should not follow me, much as I love to be the leader, but pick their nearest exit at the main entrance door of the church. I also told them that the 2010 writers' calendar sold at the back would be signed by us in the interval and books by us were on sale and could be bought through our website. 'Now, for the readings!'

I said, 'I asked John the title of his short story but he said it was a secret. I told him, "I'm the master of ceremonies for the evening, so you must tell me the title. He said, It's a secret. Indeed the tile of the shot story was, 'A Secret'.

Whilst John read his short story about The Secret, the Bearfoot Performers, dressed as an angel, a drunk, and other characters, silently moved into new positions around All Saints Church.

Writing for a reader or a film-goer is different to planning a performance on stage.

We had started our evening, as is done by most theatre performances, with five minutes of reading without essential plotlines nor clues in the first five minutes, so a latecomer could enter without having missed much, and without us needing to worry that interruptions had distracted other members of the audience from anything important. I did warn the audience, 'Listen out for the punchline!'

Fortunately the church, like most churches and concert halls, is designed so that a speaker at the front can be heard at the back. At our rehearsal the microphones had failed so we had not been able to practise reading with a microphone.

The comic poem-play about Adam and Eve, written by another John (this time not from South Africa but Scotland), was visually one of the most memorable pieces. Julia, played God, a female God, in the pulpit. Down below were Adam (the first John), Eve (Julianna) Our chairman, Oscar, played the hissing serpent. Jenny was the angel. As I sat down in my chair, looking down the central aisle to where the vicar, James Mercer, was watching from the back, it occurred to me that in medieval times mystery plays would have been performed to dramatise the stories of the bible for the benefit of those who could not read.

I am a member of two local branches of Toastmasters International, a co-operative self-help group which trains speakers and it's a pity that we never practise using microphones. Members tend to argue that we should practise projecting our voices, which is essential in the many cases where microphones are not available or when they fail. But on this occasion the omni-directional microphones may be left on when several speakers are on stage. We needed two or three people to adjust the height and directions of microphone to help other speakers and signal if they were too near or too far from the microphone.

My first poem on the Wedding Gatecrasher was a dramatic piece involving my voice getting louder and my moving about the stage - which resulted in my moving towards the microphone and ctreating booming and shrieking. John (third John, Irish John).

My biggest challenge as master of ceremonies was keeping talking as the readers came forward to the microphone or climbed the steps up to the pulpit. Some speakers like to hear themselves being introduced and don't want to interrupt and distract the audience from the announcement by walking forwards. So then the announcer has to wait. But if the applause dies down
You could argue that you should wait, not keep repeating the speaker's name and calls for applause, but let the speaker stand in total silence, shuffling papers. But I tried that and soon found it created awkward silences and distraction from people at the back who were looking at the artwork rather than listening to the writers reading. So it seemed better not to let the audience get restless and chat, but hold their attention. I was relieved to learn afterwards that nobody realized that I was filling in whilst speakers walked forwards, but made it all seem natural.

One change took place between the dress rehearsal the evening before and the actual performance. Julianna's story, the Gatekeeper, is from the viewpoint of a man, and several people including Julianna agreed that it was clearer to the listeners when a man was talking about a woman if it was read by a man. So a friend of Julianna's called Charles read from the pulpit.

What did we learn? I learned:
1 You need to have one person whose specific job is publicity.
2 You need to allocate somebody to seliing books.
3 You need posters to sell the books.
4 You need leaflets for people to take away.
5 Posters in supermarkets get removed or covered up by other people who need room for their advertisements.
I'll add photos to this post later.
See previous post for details of exhibition and clubs.

* NB Some of the writers wish to remain anonymous on the internet, so I have used first names throughout.
Our calendar for 2010 with poems by twelve of our poets can be bought at meetings where you can ask authors to sign, or ordered through the website for Harrow Writers' Circle.

Art Exhibition & Free Literature Event - Vision Division

Vision Division
Controversy and challenge - vision and division are the themes of the art and literature events at All Saints Church in Harrow Weald beside the Leefe Robinson pub. All week you can see art works on display at the church and even along the path to the church, illuminated at night.

Art & Living Statues
The preview night, Friday 11th September was really buzzing. As you walked up the path you saw the first living statue, a drunken woman with torn fishnet stockings and bottle of booze sprawled on a bench. Inside were a static angel (who moved location) from pulpit to pews, a sullen black-lipped girl, an army combat man with a machine gun, and somebody whose rear stuck out of a curtain beside the baptismal font. (See my pictures.) The actors were students of the Bearfoot Performing Arts School at Harrow Arts Centre.

The jolly vicar, Reverend James Mercer, opened with a prayer and thanks to art show organizer Stephen Nash - art works by Stephen and his family were displayed. Mayor of Harrow, Eric Silver, gave a speech, saying that when you saw the drunken woman on the bench you knew you were in for a surprising show. (Eric and his wife - both very friendly and chatty are in one of my pictures.) The offbeat art included a piece made by ironing on the paint, assorted religious pieces, artwork full of deliberately mis-spelled words and a cross which had somebody sitting on it.

Edible Art
Another entertainment was the edible art by Hatch End resident, Lorraine Pollard, who makes cakes. Her imitation Henry Moore sculpture was sold at £1 a piece and photos of those eating a piece (I'm one as you see in a picture) will be made into a mosaic artwork. Lorraine is a very glamorous lady and resembles me - a voluptous figure which suggests that the beaming owner enjoys eating cake as well as making it. You can see her and her cake as well as me eating her cake in the pictures.

Members of the church and even a visiting woman vicar from another church had turned up to look around. From groups who meet at the nearby Harrow Arts Centre in Hatch End included a performing arts group and students stood around dressed as an angel and other characters.

Several members of Harrow Writers' Circle turned up to enjoy the event, and promote their own show this Thursday, September 17th, with leaflets and by talking to people. I shall be master of ceremonies

I announced the forthcoming Harrow Writers' Circle evening, which is free. The obliging church warden signalled when the microphone was turned on by giving me the thumbs up. I got attention from the crowd by by squeezing a klaxon.

(Somebody asked me, 'Do you always carry a klaxon in your big bag?'
I told her I bought it at the party shop in Swanwick when I was at the Writers' Summer School I go to every year. I go into party shops and ask, 'Do you have anything which makes a noise and will help me get attention while Im on stage?')

I said that I would be master of ceremonies for the evening on Thursday September 17th and that we would be reading or performing comic poetry and prose, a play, part of a novel. some serious stuff and some funny pieces including my poems on wedding disasters, and the gatecrasher at a wedding - the groom's ex-girlfriend. I finished with a klaxon.

I forgot to mention that we would be selling our books and our calendar. I said that if you miss the event, you will be able to read about it and see photos or videos on blogger or Facebook or You Tube or twitter.
If you want to know more go onto the website of Harrow Writers' Circle.

The Writer's Circle prose and poetry free entertainment is 7 for 7.30-9.30 at All Saints Church, next to the Leefe Robinson pub.

All Saints Church Heroes In The Cemetery
It's an interesting cosy church. Inside is a monument on the wall to Gilbert, who wrote the words to comic operas. He must be buried in the cemetery alongside. On the wall beside his monument is a stained glass window by pre-Raphaelite Burne Jones, with three characters who have red halos. Outside in the cemetery is the grave of Leefe Robinson, hero of the Great War, (after WWII known as WWI). HE was first person to shoot down the dreaded Zeppelin. He died of the flu. Also in the cemetery are Crosse & Blackwell. The Blackwell Hall in front of the church is run separately but the two buildings are linked.
I shall look on the site Find a grave and add more details later.

Free Prose and Poetry Evening Sept 17 2009
So, Harrow has lots of interesting events and characters. Come along to the poetry and prose performance (pieces about Adam and Even, wedding disasters, and people assocated with the church, vision and divisions, lots of amusing things to see.

Text and Photos copyright Angela Lansbury
You may quote two sentences provided you attribute them to me and refer back to them appearing here. Thank you.
Editors - of course you may reproduce times and dates of meetings. Please contact me for permission to use photos or copy any text. Thanks.

The Vicar, Revd James Mercer
The Mayor Councillor Eric Silver and his wife
Author Angela Lansbury B A Hons eating cake
Edible art and its creator

VISION DIVISION ART EXHIBITION - FREE
Saturday 12th September 10 am- 4pm
Sunday 13th September 12 noon - 5 pm
Monday 14th Sept 10 am-5 pm
Tuesday 15th 10 am-5pm
Wednesday 16th 6 pm-9 pm (Harrow Writers Dress Rehearsal 8-10)
Thursday 17th 6 pm-9 pm Harrow Writers perform approx 7.30-10 (For details see Harrow Writers' Circle website)
Friday 18th Sept 10-5
Saturday 10-4
Sunday 20th September 12 non- 5 pm Vision Division - an Exhibition of Contemporary Art

at All Saints Church, 90 Uxbridge Road, Harrow Weald HA3 6DQ

HARROW WRITERS' CIRCLE MEETINGS
See harrowwriters.org.uk
(Autumn Programme begins on Thursday 3th September 2009 with a GENERAL MANUSCRIPTS evening.)
Meets fortnightly at Harrow Arts Centre for members and guests, with additional meetings for members in private homes

~~~~ HARROW WRITERS' CIRCLE VISITORS AND NEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME ~~~~

Current annual subscriptions £30. Visitors’ fees £3 per session.
(programme may be subject to change)

Chairman: Oscar Monteiro 020 8427 6299 4826 e-mail: ocmonteiro@hotmail.com

Vice Chair & PR Officer: Indra Sikdar 020 8954 5824 e-mail: Indra Sikdar

Secretary: John Monaghan, 189, Canterbury Road, Harrow, HA1 4PA 020 8863 4826 e-mail: johnmonaghan679@msn.com

Treasurer: John Samson 01923 778105 e-mail : john@thesamsons.wanadoo.co.uk

Should you wish to buy the art, prices range from £75 to several hundred.
Books by Angela Lansbury include
Dating Online Did I Really Write That (Lulu.com)
(includes comic answers to emails from people who cannot spell);

Poetry Workshop Workbook - (Lulu.com)
Funny poems in alphabetical order by style, From acrostics, via ballads, haikus, limericks sonnets, tankas, terza rimas through to villanelles - handy for teachers, pupils and lovers of poetry. Handy poet's index at back so if you want to write a sonnet Shakespeare or Italian style, it reminds you of the rhyming scheme. Famous poems quoted include limericks by Lear, funeral poem Remember by Christina Rosetti, quotations from The Highwayman by Noyes Poems by Angela Lansbury include Grandmother's Clock, a parody of the song Grandfather's Clock. comic vaillanelles The Mess; I wish I Could Be Like You.
You can buy the books from Lulu.com for £12.50 for postage and hope that you will meet me so that I can write you a little verse and sign the book. Or you can become my friend on Facebook. Come to the poetry evening and buy a book and get it signed. Or join my facebook fan club (it sounds awfully boatsful, but facebook is full of fan clubs, basically any group following a particular person's site - whether they are an author or musician or whatever). If you join my Facbook fan club and ask me I will write you a personalised poem about you - or indeed your business.

Writing Poetry For Fun With Angela by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)
tells the reader how I write poems for all occasions from anniversary and birthday cards and Christmas cards, to leaving cards, also for advertisements, funerals, pets,with funny examples which include:three poems on weddings which i shall perform, wearing a veil, at Vision Division: Wedding Gatecrasher; Wedding Disasters, Secret Perfect Wedding.
Links:
All Saints Church www.ashw.org.uk
Harrow Writers' Circle harrowwriters.org.uk
Lorraine Pollard www.thecakeprincess.co.uk
www.bearfootperformingarts.com
lulu.com Angela Lansbury

Dating and Driving

Women are advised not to get into a man's car on the first date.

For safety reasons.



But many men need to be cautious for entirely different reasons. Many a date has foundered on first impressions, not helped by the car.

Does the car impress? Is it a business car, a white van, a family car, a sports car or what?

What does the car say about itself and the owner or driver?

1 I am clean and well looked after, inside and out.

2 I am borrowed,

3 I am second-hand and dented, liable to collapse at any moment.

4 The driver shouts at other people and calls them, 'Stupid idiot!"

5 The driver swears.

6 The driver's life is full of clutter, dirty things thrown everywhere.

7 The kids have filled this car and the driver's life with their toys and there is no room for anybody else. Don't even think of kissing - pink teddy bear is watching you.

8 I'm inefficient, have no concern for my own safety, the passenger's or anybody else's, steal, run our of petrol and don't pay tax.

9 I like dangerous sports, I'm wild and dangerous and so loud you can hear me coming a mile away and so can the neighbours.

10 I smell of smoke.

11 I am not insured but I have a superstitious emblem hanging across my field of vision where I should be watching the road.

12 Every comfort is provided, and music of your choice. Satnav will get us there on time and take you home safely.

13 The car seats go horizontal, my hand is on your knee, I'm racing the engine and if you don't jump out now you're in trouble.

Your car, like your photograph, and photos of your home, should show you as a a clean and well-organized person. My problems. Finally, watch out for the unnerving apology or joke intended to reassure which has the opposite effect. e.g.

'I'm very careful about driving and drinking because I don't want to lose my license again.'

Copyright Angela Lansbury

Dating Older Men & Finance

Money

You have just told your date:

I can only afford to take you out for a cheap meal. I have given my son / daughter / son-in-law / daughter-in-law several thousand pounds for a new house. I doubt if I will ever get the money back.

Will your date think:
a What a nice person. Looks after the family.

b I’m sure if I stick around until Christmas we’ll go out on a decent date.

c People start as they mean to go on. Mean is the operative word. He’s going to be mean to me all the time, a different excuse every month, spending on the children, the grandchildren, the car, his next holiday, never enough for an evening out. He doesn’t budget properly.

d Yeah - he’s generous to everybody else but not to me. He values them but not me. he cares about keeping them happy - although they’re earning money.

e I’m wasting my time here. All their money is going to their children and they’ll never be able to afford to marry again.

f Goodbye to this person. I’ll date Fred - he’s a bit more generous. It’s time I had some fun. If not now, when?

g Okay, so I’ll have lunch with you on Monday. But Saturday night I’m also ‘busy with the family’ - actually out with Fred.

h Yes, well, I’ll give my money to my children. I don’t see why you should give your money to your children and live off me.

i Some people don’t know when to keep quiet. I’ve got more sense than to say this straight away.

j I like the fact that he’s honest with me. At least I know where I stand. I won’t put him off by expecting expensive meals. Just glad of the company of a decent man.

k Okay. So where are we going for lunch? You tell me what's in your budget.

l Ah - I have a discount voucher. Aren't I smart! You are obviously a pushover and do whatever anybody asks. Just leave lunch to me.

m I've found a place within your budget. No way am I missing out on lunch.

n A sandwich will do. So long as we go out somewhere. I'm tired of being home alone.


Now, consider both sides. What do you feel when you are told this? What effect might it have on the other person? What are you thinking?

a Gosh - no wonder I don't get enough dates. I must be more careful about what I say and the message it conveys to the other person.

b This is a revelation. But I'm not changing. Better to be upfront and get things clear from the start.

c Other people worry too much. I just want somebody who's easygoing.

d Other people are so complicated. Not sure what to do. Yet. I'd better read this again. And consider very carefully.

e I think I'll date the one who wrote this. She sounds amusing - and a challenge - will keep me on my toes.

f The person wo wrote this is just like my friend. I'll introduce them. They can torment each other.

Etiquette and forks

Blog on forks and restaurant etiquette
I had a newsletter from restaurant-guide.com in which they referred to a radio report in which they said that somebody in Debenhams said they were selling more forks than knives. She thought that was a sign of sliding etiquette.

We were buying more forks - why?
Maybe
1 You can use a fork to go with a dessert spoon too.
2 You can eat some savoury foods with spoon and fork.
3 Spoon and fork can double as serving spoon and fork.
4 Americans eat with fork only.
5 A buffet with cut food requires only a fork.
6 The Chinese don’t allow knives at table (too dangerous).
7 Increasing amounts of meat is already cut up.
8 So are other foods.
9 Forks can be used to spear bits in tins and tubs.

The restaurant guide then recommended restaurants where you don't need cutlery.

To me cutlery is for convenience. It also saves you touching food too much with fingers. If you don't need a knife, it's still handy to have a fork for health reasons.

You can read more of my views on etiquette and restaurants.
I also wrote a book called Etiquette for every occasion. You might find it in your library or secondhand on the internet.
Anybody needing to commission a book, article, blog - or just to quote an expert - please contact me.
I have several thousand clicks on my restaurant reviews on trustedplaces.com

Dating and Friendship Sites - How to Star in A Novel, Smalltalk, Conversation, Emails to Strangers

When replying to somebody else's email you must always look for the good and be positive. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

Assume the other person is well intentioned.

I don't understand the people whose profiles are full of threats. If I were taken up by a national newspaper I'd be thrilled to bits that a million people had heard all about me. The real problem is that to many readers a profile full of threats leaves the reader with the wrong impression, a negative impression. The writer comes across as a pessimist, an aggressive person, going through life looking for somebody to sue. It provokes me into an aggressive response. But, hey - I'm not that sort of person. I'm into conciliation, harmony, team-work, diplomacy.

So, on the other hand, if I were to reply to a person whose profile contained such remarks, I might re-write my reply, saying they are right to be cautious.

When I say I am an author, or wannabe author, some people immediately take on an aggressive defensive attitude. They say they hope I am not going to put them in a book.

I can understand that on an adult site. On the other hand, some vanilla sites list as one of the common aims of an ideal retirement is to write the great novel.

So why not reply that you've always wanted to write a novel. If you think you can't, a good reply would be so say that you've always admired novelists. If the other person has not yet achieved success, tell them it's a good idea to have challenges and aims.

One man writes an email suggesting that we could be like the characters in Lady Chatterly's novel. My first reaction is to say, hold on a minute with your suggestive remarks. I don't even know you. We women, those of us who are not call girls, nor nymphos, nor on the re-bound, are sick of getting hundreds of suggestive emails from men we don't know, living all over the world.

But, having seen that sex sells cars in advertisements, and that sales emails filling his inbox are full of suggestions, the poor chat is only doing what he thinks everybody on the site expects.

He's already corrected his first mistake. He said he was a smoker. I reply that I only have non-smokers as friends. I said I'm looking for a non-smoker. He has replied that he has given up smoking. Either he has, and he's improving his health and lifestyle, or he's a diplomat, and will accommodate whatever I want, in an email, in life, throughout his relationship with me and anybody else he meet.

So I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

After all, if somebody at a bus stop says, 'Lovely weather isn't it!' I would not reply:

'You're the tenth person who's said that today. I'm sick and tired of the weather. Can't you say anything original? Why should I discuss the weather with a stranger? You could be a stalker. First I want to know who you are, where you live and what you do for a living.'

'Gosh,' the poor chap would think. 'I don't think I can cope with this aggressive woman.
She doesn't seem to like me much, and even if she thaws, she sounds like hard work.'

(On the other hand, if he's working on the principle of any salesman, he will approach a hundred people, and if he gets one response, he will persist, and whatever their objection, he will find an answer, because he wants to sell himself and his product.

So, what is my reply to the man who wants to star in my novel rivalling Lady Chatterly's Lover? I draft a reply like this:

That's good news. A best seller would be great. But porn is available everywhere now. So to attract attention, in addition to the erotic extras you need great characters and a good story with everyday action, determined lovers struggling to meet despite distance and other obstacles, adventures, gifts or acts of kindness to encourage the protagonists, a heroine who has suffered neglect or worse from her family, finding entertainment, enlightenment and fulfilment, a hero who despite a few minor imperfections has a good heart and devotion to win over the co-operation of bystanders and onlookers, and his deserving lady, to fill out the rest of the book. Plus some stunning scenery. And, if you want a million dollar film which has everybody sobbing happily in their hankies and telling their friends - you must see this - you need a romantic, happy ending.

Of course, if he's far away, I am spending too much of my time on this. (The email to him and the blog about it.) If he's an intellectual he will be interested in a long reply. If he's a practical type a long email will bore him. But since he's already mentioned a classical novel, I assume he's capable of reading a thousand words and enjoying the entertainment. I hope I have entertained him, and you.

Twitter and online security

Somebody on Twitter reported that they got burgled after telling Twitter they were away.

It's an obvious security risk if the house is empty. And if you've left a frail granny alone she could be scared by prowlers and call the police and save you from burgled but give herself a nasty turn.

Maybe the Twittery Twitters would have got burgled anyway because they give out security information like that to everybody they meet, shout it to neighbours on the doorstep, tell the postman, the milk delivery man, the friends and eavesdroppers at the pub, leave a notice on their door. Nobody needs to know the exact dates of your trip.

If you are investigating a country for a forthcoming holiday, you don't have to say I'm going there tomorrow, you could say, I'm trying to decide whether winter or summer is best for a trip, to advise a friend who might go there one year. You don't have to say I got home (giving your location) - if you have two homes. Remember the saying, even the walls have ears.

So, what's the solution?

When away, give your phone to trusted neighbours so they answer.

If your trip's long, scatter valuables in locked boxes or suitcases amongst relatives. Not left lying in their hall, but somewhere safe. Hidden. Locked. Disguised.

Get 2-3 trusted relatives to house-sit. If it's granny and children make sure able-bodied neighbours watch the property checking sitters are safe.

My area's Neighbourhood Watch has pensioners walking dogs.

If you forget and twitter your travels, mention your house-sitters.

Once when I was away I had 11 people in my house - including my parents, my son, three of his friends (all martial arts experts staying over) and neighbours making tea for everybody. My trusted gardener painted the fence. I phoned each person twice a day checking who was there. They were all keeping an eye on each other.

We also do house-swap with families and get the neighbours to pop in and help them. Everybody loves it. The neighbours make new friends. The visitors feel really looked after. The family don't miss us. They are too busy telling the newcomers how to operate the heating and the appliances.

Twitter non-location items such as favourite books and records.

Even living at home don't twitter forthcoming movements like 'just off to the shops'. Nobody except your mother or children wants to know that you've been shopping or made yourself a cup of coffee. I certainly don't want to know that a dozen people have been shopping or made coffee. Even a world class celebrity.

Nor do I need to know about my own family. (Unless they are overdosing on coffee or drink. ) Your close family only want to know you went shopping or drank coffee if it affects them with an implied message - such 'as don't come home yet', or 'come home now'. If so, you are better texting individuals.

If paranoid or careful, check criminal records of twitter twins.

Be 'friends' only with identifiable people showing face photos. If you are in contact with faceless people, you should not reveal any details about yourself and your movements.

Save overseas reports; put them online the week after you get back. As a travel writer I have always done this because when travelling I'm usually too busy to check facts and only reorganize and edit after I get home.

FIRE PICTURES

More Fire Pictures

Copyright Angela Lansbury