Comedy turned to Tragedy Talentless contest

As a comic act I'd previously had a warm welcome with my roll-up pianos and puppets. I also got a warm reception at my rehearsal with a story about dating a man with a beard who was eating spagetti.

I asked advice from my friend comedy writer Brad Ashton who has written for Groucho Marx and lots of famous comedy performers. He gave me a great tip on remembering your jokes. Just remember them A-Z. So my jokes went from Albert onwards.

I had my props on a table in advance. I'd asked one of the organizers to signal when four minutes was up so I could reach the end before being interrupted by the bell. It was a competition - no taking more time than the others.

I even did a last minute rehearsal on site in front of the neighbours. Then on stage I died a death, abandoned most of my scenes half way through and barely got to minimum five minutes twice.

What I've learned
I was on first, with no warm-up or great introduction from the MC. I was expected Barry Cryor to do the warm-up. But the first venue, the pub, had no music license so we ended up at the end of a field in a club hut.

Then - the usual problems with microphones.

Beer & Football Jokes
I knew from my previous contest that the crowd liked beer and football. should have had jokes about drink and football. Ironically, next morning I was tuned to Absolute radio and they had a poem about football, created as a found poem - using words from letters members of the public wrote about the referee controversy. Interestingly, when it started it sounded just like comments, but as the poem progressed I heard that it had rhyming couplets and a chorus of repeated lines. Gosh - I can do that. On the other hand their poem was entertaining, rather than funny. To make a poem funny I would try to add innuendo, or rhymes which sound as if a swear-word is coming but instead you find another word with the same rhyme - making perfect sense.

Judges
The judges were a mixture, just like the You've got Talent on TV. A belligerent male, a kind female.
(MC "Has the other judge got anything to say?" Judge: "Yes. I'm going for a piss.")

You have to plan not just a response to a heckler, but to a belligerent judge. I shall watch the TV shows with greater interest now.

And how you deal with somebody who shouts a rude comment after you've left the stage? Do you keep telling yourself, "I'm the greatest!" Or what? Ignore it? Have an answer ready when your return?

Exits
I was performing in front of the door to the Gents. I could have made a joke about that.

What can go wrong with comedy?

Microphone & Sound Level Chats
1 You need a few funny things to say about microphones instead of the usual, 'Hello - can everybody hear me at the back?' Maybe, "As I was saying in bed last night .... - is this microphone live? - Can everybody hear me? Even the people at the back."

One of our great comedians got fed up with audiences ignoring him. He went into a rant and everybody laughed. So that became his act.

Children In Audiences
Other people have more chutzpah than I have. I sat through a poetry reading with children in the front row and poets reading poems full of four letter words. I was not happy, for myself, nor for the children.

As far as I'm concerned, with children in the audience, all blue jokes are out. I was warned about this in advance by the organizers.

I thought I didn't have any blue jokes. I'm very subtle. All innuendo. But you need to have the confidence to raise your eyebrows like Benny Hill to succeed at this.

Your Supporters
Jokes about your husband or mother-in-law or children are out if yours there. I've seen top comedians go on despite having their Mum in the audience. Then when interviewed afterwards, they wave at mum. My supporters were at the back. They could not see nor hear. Although they shouted and waved at the start. Supporters at the back is a mistake. But they needed seats and arrived to find only seats at the back not taken. An empty area at the front made a stage created at the front, so I did not interact with the audience. The judges blocked off the front row.

Drunks
I thought one of the judges was drunk (maybe another - was there a third judge). And some of the audience. I could be wrong. They'd been watching football on TV and drinking through the afternoon, I understood. The bar person was taking orders for drinks and chatting to customers during my act and during the little kids' singing.


The photos show:

The volunteer - a girl of primary school age who was a singer was shy. My pulling the puppets and asking her to pull the puppets did not make her laugh but look scared and confused. I realized I should have got her at ease first with questions she could answer such as what's your name and how old are you, before asking her to take any action.

Photos show me with a big smile. Props are on the table behind. Also in plastic carrier bag. Now it looks untidy. You can make a joke about being a bag lady.

I shall be looking very closely at stage acts.. Musicians and singers usually have an assistant handing the props.

The most experienced and famous performers can die on stage. I heard about at American women who used her American jokes to a UK audience. The UK audience missed all the references to US shows which aren't known here.

However, it's useful information for my forthcoming talk on my experiences as a speaker. My Friday morning talk on public speaking was a great success.

Speaking in Public

I'm going to summarize my speech on How To Give A Good Speech but first here's where I gave the speech and where I'll be speaking next. I won a ribbon at Harrovians Toastmasters on Monday 16th November 2009 for my five minute prepared talk on How To Give A Good Speech. It was my rehearsal for my talk to U3A.

I rehearsed again on Thursday at Harrow Writers' Circle but was delighted and impressed to hear that another author had spoken to 90 people and sold 40 books at her book-signing at a nearby College where she teaches. If you want to sell books, give a talk based on one book and make it clear that the purpose of the talk is to raise interest in the book.

In my talk to the writers, the example I gave about self-promotion is that you may be speaking to a gardening club about how to grow roses. You must make it clear to the audience and yourself whether your main purpose is to promote your business selling roses or entertain them with a talk simply as a goodwill gesture.

Focus on both I said in my speech to University of the Third Age 10 am to 11 am at Harrow Arts Centre. I had an enthusiastic, smiling audience of about 50 people. Afterwards I was approached by members of the audience to speak to Rotary and JACS.

My friend Brad Ashton, who has written a book on writing comedy, said I should always ask to be paid, £60 or £100. Other branches of U3A pay him. He spoke once for free at an old people's home and they asked him back and the second time he wanted to be paid. He told them, "You charge residents £1000 a week." (And pay all the staff). I expect to be paid."

They said, "But you spoke for free last time. We thought you were a volunteer."
One could say, "But now I need the money." (Is it wise to add, 'I also have medical and dental bills to pay'?)

ANGELA'S SPEECH ON SPEAKING IN PUBLIC
I told the audience I was the speaker.
(At Harrovians I told the audience about how I'd gone to a talk by Mrs Maxwell. I asked the nondescript woman beside me if the talk was going to be any good. She said she hoped so. When the introduction was made I discovered that I had been sitting talking to Mrs Maxwell. I think the speaker should be dressed conspicuously and everybody should know who the speaker is.)

I put on a witch's hat and said,

MEMORABLE
A speech should be memorable. So long as you aren't giving a funeral speech you can be funny and entertaining. You could even be amusing at a funeral speech if the deceased was a comedian or had made a lot of jokes when he was alive.

If you are small, a hat helps people to see you.

PROPS
You are remembered if you have props. People often tell me they remember my talk months later. They remember my puppets. I talk to my puppets. Like this one. He wants to whisper something to me. He says he's not a parrot; he's a toucan. Anything you can do, toucan do.

One marketing speaker used a ruler which she gave to members of the audience. She told the audience to measure. They remembered her presentation. I wasn't even there, but the image is so strong that I remember it.

INVOLVE THE AUDIENCE
Find out who is in the audience and what you have in common and what their interests or problems are.
Ask people why they came to the talk and what they need to know.
Please put your hand up if you've given a wedding speech - thanks - or are about to give one.
How many of you are giving technical talks for work?
Any other subjects - just general speeches on hobbies?

What is often done is that the speaker asks the audience to stand up, shake hands with each other, or speak to the person alongside. Why don't I do this!
Please stand up and shake hands with the person on your right and tell them, 'You're a good person!' (Laughter.)

SPEAK LOUDLY & CLEARLY
Ask people in the back row to wave if they can hear you. Can you hear me in the back row? Good.
You could bring along a helper who sits in the back row. They could wave if they can't hear. Or hold up a card. Or cup their ear.

If you have a beard you should speak slowly and pause between each word to help the listener. Some people in your audience may be lip-reading. The elderly, adults or children. And even people with normal hearing do a lot of lip-reading. We have noise from workman in Harrow Arts Centre. But I can get some words across with a mixture of lip movements and head movements and hand movements. Watch me saying no and yes without any sound. (NO. YES.) You could see when I was saying no and when I was saying yes, couldn't you.

(One lady in the audience says that her friend tells her, 'Keep your glasses on when I'm talking to you.' This has become a standing joke, which they say when they phone each other.)

MY BOOKS
I've written a book called Wedding Speeches & Toasts. You can buy it or get it from your library. It will tell you how to write a speech. When you want to practise your speech, I suggest you go to Toastmasters.

TOASTMASTERS
Toastmasters International is all over the world. It started in America in the 1920s when a man rehearsed a speech in front of a couple of friends. They met again, and other friends came along to listen and support. so they formed a club. Gradually they spread to other cities. Then to other English speaking countries. All over the world. I belong to two groups in Harrow. One meets on Mondays. The other meets on Thursdays. We'd love you to come along. Go on line to Toastmasters International Find A Club. Or contact me. My business cards are on the table here. Please take one at the end of this meeting.

READING
Reading is different from speaking. You'd think it would be easier than giving a speech. You don't have to plan it. Just stand up and read. You probably remember reading aloud in school and how scary it was. You may have grandchildren who read aloud in school and ask you for help. The important thing is make it sound interesting and emphasize the right words. In English we often emphasize the first syllable, unlike the French who emphasize the last syllable. We say Paris. The French say paree.

In English we also stress the last word in a sentence. When you read aloud you find that a sentence ending with a word such as 'to' loses impact. Actors who read aloud whole plays, or Shakespeare plays, will underline the important words. That's a useful trick. When you read aloud, you'll find that you can re-write a sentence to be sure you end with the word which is most important.

PLAN THE ENDING
Finally - yes, finally you should tell the audience that you have nearly finished.

Then end with a summary and a last joke or quotation or a variation on the one from the start.
When you have a list of things needed in a speech, the last one will be a call to action. Let me give you a call to action. Read my books. Take my business card. Find me on Facebook under Fans of AngelaLansburyAuthor Diary, and I will write you a poem or a poem about your business or hobby. If you don't have a computer, go to your library and ask the librarian to help you find AngelaLansburyAuthorDiary

To show you have finished, you nod your head and smile and bow, like this!

Question Time

Question (On Masons & Toastmasters)
"What's the difference between Masons and Toastmasters?"
Answer
I don't know Masons but I'll tell you about Toastmasters and you can tell me whether Masons is the same. Toastmasters is a charity, or not for profit organization. Women are allowed to join. You are told not to speak about religion or politics or raise money for commerce or charity at a meeting because it's open to people of any political view or religion or none so everybody should be allowed and encouraged to come along. It's more or less worldwide.

You can come along to meeting without paying just to listen and support - we speakers need an audience to practise on - except in places like Singapore where they meet in hotels and have group meals so most people attending pay for their share of the meal, and in December in all countries you often have a restaurant meal instead or as well and you pay for that, although sometimes some or all of the cost is paid by the club, depending on their budget.

Question (On voice pitch)
"How do you modulate your voice? Mine sounds high and squeaky when I get emotional."

Answer
Take deep breaths or meditate before speaking to feel calm. Tell yourself you are calm. Think of the listener instead of the subject which is upsetting you or yourself. Take a deep breath. And speak slo -o-owly. Practice in front of the mirror speaking with a lower voice - you know you can do it because you just demonstrated a higher tone and a lower tone to us.

Question (On breathlessness)
I run out of breath. What can I do about it?

Answer
Take a deep breath before starting each sentence. Pause between sentences so you can breathe in again. Practice reading your speech in front of the mirror. If you write long sentences you will run out of breath. Reading aloud will show you which sentences are too long. Write shorter sentences. Instead of reading your own thoughts word by word, write key words and then speak normally.

Question (On wedding speeches)
"How do you give a good wedding speech?"

Answer
Get my book on Wedding Speeches and Toasts from the library or buy it on line new or second hand. Join Toastmasters to practise your speech. When writing the speech, remember that half the audience don't know the groom, and the other half don't know the bride. It's a classic speech of praise where you must not talk about yourself but about the person you are praising.

You also have to create or maintain goodwill towards the bride and groom. it sounds obvious and easy, but there can be people sitting in the audience, even the family, upset about the hotel or the catering, why the rest of the family weren't invited - I can tell by the nods and laughter that this isn't as rare as we'd like to think. In the olden days the best man would cause trouble for the groom. I've spoken to lots of hotel managers who say they won't allow anybody except the bride and groom into the bridal suite - because they've had the best man claiming to deliver flowers and then wrecking the bed or the entire room. Your job is to ensure maximum goodwill towards bride and groom or whoever you are praising or thanking, so the person the speech is about, and everyone else in the room, feels warm and friendly towards the couple.

So you praise, praise, praise. Say how talented and worthy the bride is, lots of good stories about her talents and kindness, and good things about the groom. And if he's never done anything in his life except tell a few silly jokes, say what a happy soul he is and how lucky she is that whatever troubles life throws at them, he will always be lighthearted, look on the bright side, and help her to be happy.

Question (On Poetry)
"Does a poem need to start with a surprise?" (Speaker then quotes his own comic poem about how the Swiss cope with an avalanche but the British have trouble dealing with a few inches of snow.)

Answer
A lovely comic poem. A film should start with an avalanche or an earthquake, they say. I agree that it helps to get the audience's attention from the start, especially if we are talking about spoken poetry. But even when you are writing it for somebody to read on the page, it's good to start dramatically, with a first line memorable enough for people to quote. May I digress on the subject of avalanches and earthquakes?

Question (On Speaking to Children)
"I'm speaking to group of schoolchildren, giving a Powerpoint presentation about Rotary. Have you any advice?"

Answer
Find out the interests of the children by asking the teachers or parents or grandparents of children the same age. If their interests are computers, or football, or bikes, find something in the history or membership of your organization which is relevant to their interests or show how the two could be linked.

If they have to attend your talk as part of an exam or course, show how they can use the information in their job or university studies, or an exam paper question, or an essay or research, or in an interview as a candidate for a job or university place.

If you are pointing to a slide, or writing on a board, don't stand in front of the picture you're showing. And don't talk to the picture. Face the audience. Stand at one side. Point to the area of the slide from a distance. If there's no pointer, improvise, with a walking stick or an umbrella.

Question (On how to avoid misunderstandings when Americans and others use English words differently)
I went to the USA where the word pavement means the centre of the road and they use the word sidewalk for what the British call pavement. What can one do to prevent this happening?

Answer
You need to go through an American-English book or on line list. You can also find them for Singlish - Singaporean English which has a few similar words with different meanings.

Show your typed out speech to two or three people, some who speak English as a first language, others who speak American or another version or are foreign language speakers. You could ask them to summarise what you have said to see whether they have understood.

In the meeting itself, ask people to raise their left hand whenever you use a word they don't understand, or if your meaning is not clear.

I evaluated a speech in Singapore, and I spoke about the plot of the story a girl had read. Afterwards she said my comments on English pronunciation were most helpful. But what was the meaning of the word plot!

Question (On adding a speech to a toast)
"I'm speaking at my grandson's barmitzvah, giving a toast to the State of Israel. Can I say a few words about my grandson? What do you suggest?"

Answer
You are supposed to be making a Toast on that subject. So you can't talk about your grandson, except maybe a one-sentence introduction to say how much he likes Israel, or visited it or wants to go there - is the barmitzvah in Israel? No - people are shaking their heads. You will lose the audience if you don't stick to the subject of the Toast -

A person the audience just said it's not a toast to the State of Israel but to the President of Israel. When you make a speech, the rule is talk more about the person you are praising than about yourself. But a toast is simply a request for the audience to raise their glasses and drink a toast. The Toastmaster will announce you as, 'Please fill your glasses - so and so will now make a toast to the President of the State of Israel.'

The Toastmaster, has your slot down as one minute, and the audience expect you to keep to time so that the ones with diabetes and epilepsy don't have fits because you've talked so long they've been stopped from starting on their soup, or the staff went home before they could serve dessert.

If you want to talk about your grandson, maybe the boy's parents could arrange for extra speeches - like some African or Caribbean weddings where the microphone is passed around and everybody can give praise and advice about the bride or groom - I've also seen this done at funerals and birthday parties. But no long speech during a toast. Too many people are tutting and muttering that a toast is a toast.

Question (On arousing sleepy schoolchildren)
How do I keep the audience awake? I'm giving talks to a school all through the day, and the master says the hardest session is the first when they are half asleep.

Answer
Use music, ideally a song - especially if they can join in the chorus. Does your group have a song? No? - Then write a song - or I'll write one for you. Any kind of music or sound will do. Somebody told me he'd been at a meeting where the speaker woke the audience by firing a pistol. I think that's scary. Somebody might have a heart attack. Isn't there a piece of music which jolts people awake? The Surprise Symphony? Thank you. I'd rather do something jolly, like a waltz. (I have the Radestski march on my mobile phone.)

Question
"What was on the slides we missed?"

Answer (On text of missing slides)
Did everybody hear the question? What's your name? Fred asked about the slides. Fred wants to know what he missed. (Laughter.)
The slides started with portraits of people I was quoting. Hillel - if not now, when.

Slides should not have every word of your speech. They should tell the speaker the subject as a quick reminder at a glance. Changing the slides helps keep the audience watching. Anybody who is hard of hearing, or doesn't speak English, or if the speaker muttered, or there were noises from outside, or a visitor came in late, they can see the subject from the slide with one quick glance, without getting distracted from the speaker.

I have a big picture of my witch's hat. An ear for the section on being heard.
Another slide showed the summary of my speech to come.
The last two slides say The End, then Question Time.

Now Fred knows what he missed. And so does everybody else. (Laughter.)

Toastmasters-style Evaluation of Angela's speech by another:
Commend : The audience was happy and smiling. You say you were lucky with your audience but it was mostly down to you because any speaker can alienate an audience and you kept them interested and attentive.

Recommend:
A couple of details to bear in mind if you give the same talk again.
1 During question time, don't stand too near the front row because half your body is hidden by the front row.
You also want to avoid shouting over the head of people in the front row.
2 Don't promote your books to much. In the UK it comes across as pushy. It's enough to hold them up for one minute during the talk and one minute at the end.

Commend : You are 99% there. When speaking about speaking you have to demonstrate that you can do it and you did. You passed with flying colours. Relaxed. Smiling. Cheery. Joking.
***
Angela's Verdict - What I learned
Have a checklist of props.
Rehearse with electrics a week in advance - if necessary go to the previous week's session, take your equipment and try it out after the meeting's over.
Wash your hair the night before, not the morning of a morning talk.
Have a pen in your pocket to write down the points made by people who come up afterwards.
Record your talk on video.

Offer to sign books - and ask the person introducing you to say so.
Have a sign saying the price of the books. People may be too shy to ask. You want feedback on the price.
If you are selling books, they should be on the topic of the talk, or the topic of the talk should include a brief reading from each book.
Have an aisle so you can walk towards people who ask questions during question time.

PHOTOS Will be added later. Please come back.

What photos say about you at different times of day

When a woman receives a series of pictures from somebody, with only the briefest message, what is he trying to tell you?
Big ego? Self-obsessed?

Wants flattery?

Could be the opposite. Lacks self-confidence? Wants to be sure you like him before risking a date.

That he isn't as glamorous as his main picture?

That he's busy at work but hopes you'll stay interested until he gets around to calling you next week?

That if he send pictures which are half clothed and fully clothed he will find out what the recipient wants long term - or on a first date - which could be different.

One man sends one picture that a trick of the light made it look like he'd had a triple heart by-pass.

A face picture, even if he's not good looking, can be lovely. The smile makes all the difference. You feel he would be welcoming, fun to meet.

Remember the recipient of a photo is self-centred. They want to know how you will react when they meet you. Will you smile? Or glare?

Oddly enough, even on an 'adult' site, a full clothed photo strikes a better note when you open an email when you are at work.

You think, I'm at work. What is this guy doing all day? Unemployed, sitting at home playing with himself? Is this his main daytime activity?

Or does he love hiking? Or music?

But, again, you might think he's never at home at his city job but spends all his time hiking around the world.

One national newspaper's dating advice colour suggests a photo in a cemetery.

To me this is a definite no-no. A woman reads the headlines, such as Body found in cemetery (Don't laugh - I know cemeteries are full of bodies). On second thoughts, please laugh. I shall use this line in y stand up comedy tomorrow. Seriously, headlines read:' Woman murdered by man met on internet. ' Or 'Date rape'. Newspapers and internet news are full of stories of attacks and deaths. You don't want to be linked in her mind to any kind of scary thought. to my mind red flags or warning signs include photos of any weapon, whether it's on an army tank or something smaller. And anything to do with cemeteries is an absolute no-no. I'm surprised that anybody needs to be told this. Above all those connected with a newspaper.

The photo must reassure the reader that you are interested in them.

My rules:

1 Smile
2 Face the camera
3 Wear you smartest outfit
4 Wear what you will wear when you meet on a first date
5 No other adults in the picture -
6 No disembodied hands or cut in half exes
7 Save nude pictures until after you already know somebody
8 No children or grandchildren - unless you intend taking them on the first date (to avoid attracting undesirables don't show minors). Gives the impression your kids need a mother or father. If so, you could say so. But send the photos when you have a candidate.
9 Would you like to meet the person in your photo?
10 If you don't like the way you look, change it. At least wear clothes which minimise your faults. Then at least the other person knows what they are getting and you know they are happy with you the way you really are.

World Travel Market Delights 2

Day two of the World Travel Market and despite the economic downturn their are stories aplently with huge stands from Spain, israel and others but India and Nepal dominated my day, with the strange sight of film of cricketers below Everest breaking records for the highest location for a cricket match. They got in the Guinness book of records I believe and raised money for charity. You can see a photo of one of the teams in the bar of a Nepalese restaurant in Wandsworth, South London, where the UK based team used to meet. Nepal's other novelty sports activities around Everest include bungee jumping, rafting the rapids, and feeding hawks which dive at you as you float around in mid-air with bits of raw meat. I was impressed, although all day I'd been writing a stand-up comedy spoof for Saturday, when at a local pub I shall promote Hatch End, whose tourist figures have doubled, from one to two. I refrained from murmuring that people who hang around in midair feeding raw meat to hawks had better not tell their vegetarian friends.

I usually smile politely. But this year the journalists, deprived of the usual champagne breakfasts, free lunches and copious goody bags, not satisfied with a few pens and notebooks, coffee and the occasional chocolate or chocolate biscuit, seem to be an alarmingly bolshy lot. 'What about those of us who are not superfit?' objects one of the audience. We get a great answer. It's not only for the super-fit who end up losing weight. One lady walked around the lower slopes enjoying mountain air and got back in shape.

Yes, it's best not to be shy but to come right out boldly asking questions on touchy subject. Because it inspires the tourist boards and PRs to reveal other attractions which they might not otherwise have mentioned. One journalist asks, 'What about the palace in Kathmandu?' It is being turned into a museum. A bet that will be fascinating.

Neighbouring India is promoting all kinds of celebrations, with the Commonwealth Games coming up and an advertising character of a tiny, friendly tiger. You can celebrate the centenary of Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale, said one of the journalists. A hilarious moment when one member of the audience asked why the brochure advertising incredible India has an article about the Indian railways, illustrated by pictures of trains in Thailand and the UK? The question time was quickly brought to a close and we went onto a lovely show of India's visual attractions on screen.
Accommodation ranges from homestays to palaces. If you've already done Delhi and the taj and Mumbai, you might try Kerala, or the Punjab - who famous city is Amritsar where visitors can have a free meal in the temple (donations are given by devotees and accepted from others but not mandatory). I met a man who organizes sweet tours all around the world. I love Indian sweets, their 'marzipan' being covered with edible silver foil.

Israel reminded us that the small city of Safed where sages are buried, revered rabbis from previous centuries, you can have a red and blue cotton bracelet like a famous singer.

On the French stands I stopped to look at brochures about tours of the Somme and other Great War battlegrounds. Near the city of Albert is the spot where Siegfried Sassoon in my book describes standing watching the battle.

What about those of us who are in the UK? Exhibitors at the travel fair can enjoy the Ripley's Believe It Or Not exhibition whose entrance is visible from Piccadilly Circus. I first saw their show in the USA. Film sites abound. I want to go as far away as northern Scotland to see the setting of Local Hero. On line you'll find guides to tours of Scotland's film locations. This winter they are promoting winter white tours. Next year the city celebrating will be Perth.

I'll tell you more about what's new in the world in my next blog.

World Travel Market Delights

Jimmy Choo, OBE,whose shoes send emotional girls into screams of delight, is the smartly dressed unassuming, smiling ambassador for Malaysia, I met him on the stand where he revealed that his shoes which are sold in London and Malaysia are manufactured in Italy. Malaysia has cheap flights, like Thailand, and another attraction of flying to the Far East is that you can combine trips to Malaysia and Indonesia as the two countries are doing co-operative marketing.

Another surprise to me was that visitors from countries such as Indonesia visit Israel and in co-operative marketing are that Israel, Jordan and Egypt have found that visitors to the area like to travel in groups so that a group visa makes travel simple and they add excursions to neighbouring countries. More co-operative tourism talk involves North and South Cyprus.

Food and drink are of interest to everybody at The World Travel Market which this year, 2009, is full or worthy projects about green tourism in 2010, but the average tourist on a holiday, not a mission, is more interested in getting good food, and whether you stay in a five star hotel or a bed and breakfast (both apparently available in Serbia - which has a delightful logo of its name with the B turned sideways into a heart. My photographer Trevor cannot drink alcohol because of the drugs he is taking, but he is an espresso coffee enthusiast as well as a chocoholic, so he and I were more interested in the most accessible chocolate delights for the British tourists which are in Bruges in Belgium, at the factory tour. On the Belgian stand we watched the chocolate expert making white chocolates with strawberry centres, milk chocolates with chocolate centres and dark chocolates with nutty centres. Divine. He told us that Belgian chocolates must by law be made entirely from chocolate so that they have cocoa butter in them. He showed us the yellow cocoa butter - which is apparently an ingredient in the better lipsticks.

In Bruges you can also visit a potato chip factory and the same company runs a museum about lamps. If you do all three museums tours there is a reduction on the price. The chocolate tour factory is open to visitors all year including Sundays except for one week in early January.

Trevor said another chocolate favourite, almost as good - I thought it was even better - and a new taste, was the pistaccio nut filling of the chocolates on an Egyptian stand.I'd heard of American chocolates. everybody knows English chocolates by Cadbury's, Belgian chocolates, Swiss chocolates, but Egyptian chocolates - recommend it.