Ickenham's Got Talent

Wetherspoons pub Friday 18 Sept 2009 celebrated its anniversary. Wetherspoons pubs feature local history and the Titchenham Arms has pictures including one of diarist Samuel Pepys (famous for describing The Fire of London, the plague, and his seduction of an employee). Pepys visited local VIPs near here.
The pub is very sociable. Everybody knows the staff. Lucy is leaving and the talent night ended with three girls wearing wigs singing a parody of a song adapted to Lucy, with the words handed around to the audience. The talent contest had six entrants, four female singers, a man playing a guitar and me reciting comic poetry. The show started after nine pm when the compere announced that children had to leave because of licensing laws.
I wore a cowgirl hat and carried a red fur toy snake around my neck. A neighbour started laughing when she saw me cross the road to the car taking me to the talent contest. She called, 'Larger than life!'
The singers were all great, some with special effects to their voices. But the winner not only had an unusual voice, like Kate Bush, but dramatic gestures to go with it giving her extra stage presence.
Afterwards I got some smiles and laughs from people at nearby tables with my parrot puppet, by flapping its wings.

What have I learned?

1 If you want the audience to join in you need a song with a short, memorable chorus. You need song sheets to hand out.

2 If the sound level is muffled and the people at the back can't see you on stage (because they are behind pillars) and if they can't hear because they have their back to you and their mates are shouting at them something more interesting (who can blame them - good luck to them if they have friends who are more fascinating than the entertainers) then jokes must be one liners and you need a song for audience participation.

3 if you are short wear a tall hat and dramatic costume.

4 To get votes you must bring along lots of friends. Or work the crowd by going up to every table in advance, smiling, introducing your self, handing out a business card and maybe doing some interactive puppet work.

5 Alternatively interact with the audience by throwing things into the crowd or offering prizes.

6 Keep smiling, whether or not they listen, whether or not the sound system works, and whether or not you win. The audience want to have a good evening and so do you when you are performing.

Writers read at Vision Division

Comic operetta writer, Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan fame was inspiring me from his memorial on the wall of the church as I prepared to introduce an evening of entertaining stories and poems written by members of Harrow Writers' Circle.
The vicar, James Mercer welcomed us to All Saints Church and told us he hoped the Festival called Vision Division would encourage us to see the church as a community centre where we could come back for religious or secular events. Harrow Writers' Circle Chairman, Oscar Monteiro, explained that The Harrow Writers' Circle had previously been writing in a backwater and we were delighted to have been invited to perform by the vicar and artist Steve Nash who was organizing the week-long art exhibition. Oscar handed over to me as mc and I asked the audience to turn off their phones because the echo was such that we would all share their conversations with Aunt Agatha. I told them if there was a fire I would run to my nearest exit behind me and those nearby should follow me. However, providing the fire was not in their way, people at the back should not follow me, much as I love to be the leader, but pick their nearest exit at the main entrance door of the church. I also told them that the 2010 writers' calendar sold at the back would be signed by us in the interval and books by us were on sale and could be bought through our website. 'Now, for the readings!'

I said, 'I asked John the title of his short story but he said it was a secret. I told him, "I'm the master of ceremonies for the evening, so you must tell me the title. He said, It's a secret. Indeed the tile of the shot story was, 'A Secret'.

Whilst John read his short story about The Secret, the Bearfoot Performers, dressed as an angel, a drunk, and other characters, silently moved into new positions around All Saints Church.

Writing for a reader or a film-goer is different to planning a performance on stage.

We had started our evening, as is done by most theatre performances, with five minutes of reading without essential plotlines nor clues in the first five minutes, so a latecomer could enter without having missed much, and without us needing to worry that interruptions had distracted other members of the audience from anything important. I did warn the audience, 'Listen out for the punchline!'

Fortunately the church, like most churches and concert halls, is designed so that a speaker at the front can be heard at the back. At our rehearsal the microphones had failed so we had not been able to practise reading with a microphone.

The comic poem-play about Adam and Eve, written by another John (this time not from South Africa but Scotland), was visually one of the most memorable pieces. Julia, played God, a female God, in the pulpit. Down below were Adam (the first John), Eve (Julianna) Our chairman, Oscar, played the hissing serpent. Jenny was the angel. As I sat down in my chair, looking down the central aisle to where the vicar, James Mercer, was watching from the back, it occurred to me that in medieval times mystery plays would have been performed to dramatise the stories of the bible for the benefit of those who could not read.

I am a member of two local branches of Toastmasters International, a co-operative self-help group which trains speakers and it's a pity that we never practise using microphones. Members tend to argue that we should practise projecting our voices, which is essential in the many cases where microphones are not available or when they fail. But on this occasion the omni-directional microphones may be left on when several speakers are on stage. We needed two or three people to adjust the height and directions of microphone to help other speakers and signal if they were too near or too far from the microphone.

My first poem on the Wedding Gatecrasher was a dramatic piece involving my voice getting louder and my moving about the stage - which resulted in my moving towards the microphone and ctreating booming and shrieking. John (third John, Irish John).

My biggest challenge as master of ceremonies was keeping talking as the readers came forward to the microphone or climbed the steps up to the pulpit. Some speakers like to hear themselves being introduced and don't want to interrupt and distract the audience from the announcement by walking forwards. So then the announcer has to wait. But if the applause dies down
You could argue that you should wait, not keep repeating the speaker's name and calls for applause, but let the speaker stand in total silence, shuffling papers. But I tried that and soon found it created awkward silences and distraction from people at the back who were looking at the artwork rather than listening to the writers reading. So it seemed better not to let the audience get restless and chat, but hold their attention. I was relieved to learn afterwards that nobody realized that I was filling in whilst speakers walked forwards, but made it all seem natural.

One change took place between the dress rehearsal the evening before and the actual performance. Julianna's story, the Gatekeeper, is from the viewpoint of a man, and several people including Julianna agreed that it was clearer to the listeners when a man was talking about a woman if it was read by a man. So a friend of Julianna's called Charles read from the pulpit.

What did we learn? I learned:
1 You need to have one person whose specific job is publicity.
2 You need to allocate somebody to seliing books.
3 You need posters to sell the books.
4 You need leaflets for people to take away.
5 Posters in supermarkets get removed or covered up by other people who need room for their advertisements.
I'll add photos to this post later.
See previous post for details of exhibition and clubs.

* NB Some of the writers wish to remain anonymous on the internet, so I have used first names throughout.
Our calendar for 2010 with poems by twelve of our poets can be bought at meetings where you can ask authors to sign, or ordered through the website for Harrow Writers' Circle.

Art Exhibition & Free Literature Event - Vision Division

Vision Division
Controversy and challenge - vision and division are the themes of the art and literature events at All Saints Church in Harrow Weald beside the Leefe Robinson pub. All week you can see art works on display at the church and even along the path to the church, illuminated at night.

Art & Living Statues
The preview night, Friday 11th September was really buzzing. As you walked up the path you saw the first living statue, a drunken woman with torn fishnet stockings and bottle of booze sprawled on a bench. Inside were a static angel (who moved location) from pulpit to pews, a sullen black-lipped girl, an army combat man with a machine gun, and somebody whose rear stuck out of a curtain beside the baptismal font. (See my pictures.) The actors were students of the Bearfoot Performing Arts School at Harrow Arts Centre.

The jolly vicar, Reverend James Mercer, opened with a prayer and thanks to art show organizer Stephen Nash - art works by Stephen and his family were displayed. Mayor of Harrow, Eric Silver, gave a speech, saying that when you saw the drunken woman on the bench you knew you were in for a surprising show. (Eric and his wife - both very friendly and chatty are in one of my pictures.) The offbeat art included a piece made by ironing on the paint, assorted religious pieces, artwork full of deliberately mis-spelled words and a cross which had somebody sitting on it.

Edible Art
Another entertainment was the edible art by Hatch End resident, Lorraine Pollard, who makes cakes. Her imitation Henry Moore sculpture was sold at £1 a piece and photos of those eating a piece (I'm one as you see in a picture) will be made into a mosaic artwork. Lorraine is a very glamorous lady and resembles me - a voluptous figure which suggests that the beaming owner enjoys eating cake as well as making it. You can see her and her cake as well as me eating her cake in the pictures.

Members of the church and even a visiting woman vicar from another church had turned up to look around. From groups who meet at the nearby Harrow Arts Centre in Hatch End included a performing arts group and students stood around dressed as an angel and other characters.

Several members of Harrow Writers' Circle turned up to enjoy the event, and promote their own show this Thursday, September 17th, with leaflets and by talking to people. I shall be master of ceremonies

I announced the forthcoming Harrow Writers' Circle evening, which is free. The obliging church warden signalled when the microphone was turned on by giving me the thumbs up. I got attention from the crowd by by squeezing a klaxon.

(Somebody asked me, 'Do you always carry a klaxon in your big bag?'
I told her I bought it at the party shop in Swanwick when I was at the Writers' Summer School I go to every year. I go into party shops and ask, 'Do you have anything which makes a noise and will help me get attention while Im on stage?')

I said that I would be master of ceremonies for the evening on Thursday September 17th and that we would be reading or performing comic poetry and prose, a play, part of a novel. some serious stuff and some funny pieces including my poems on wedding disasters, and the gatecrasher at a wedding - the groom's ex-girlfriend. I finished with a klaxon.

I forgot to mention that we would be selling our books and our calendar. I said that if you miss the event, you will be able to read about it and see photos or videos on blogger or Facebook or You Tube or twitter.
If you want to know more go onto the website of Harrow Writers' Circle.

The Writer's Circle prose and poetry free entertainment is 7 for 7.30-9.30 at All Saints Church, next to the Leefe Robinson pub.

All Saints Church Heroes In The Cemetery
It's an interesting cosy church. Inside is a monument on the wall to Gilbert, who wrote the words to comic operas. He must be buried in the cemetery alongside. On the wall beside his monument is a stained glass window by pre-Raphaelite Burne Jones, with three characters who have red halos. Outside in the cemetery is the grave of Leefe Robinson, hero of the Great War, (after WWII known as WWI). HE was first person to shoot down the dreaded Zeppelin. He died of the flu. Also in the cemetery are Crosse & Blackwell. The Blackwell Hall in front of the church is run separately but the two buildings are linked.
I shall look on the site Find a grave and add more details later.

Free Prose and Poetry Evening Sept 17 2009
So, Harrow has lots of interesting events and characters. Come along to the poetry and prose performance (pieces about Adam and Even, wedding disasters, and people assocated with the church, vision and divisions, lots of amusing things to see.

Text and Photos copyright Angela Lansbury
You may quote two sentences provided you attribute them to me and refer back to them appearing here. Thank you.
Editors - of course you may reproduce times and dates of meetings. Please contact me for permission to use photos or copy any text. Thanks.

The Vicar, Revd James Mercer
The Mayor Councillor Eric Silver and his wife
Author Angela Lansbury B A Hons eating cake
Edible art and its creator

VISION DIVISION ART EXHIBITION - FREE
Saturday 12th September 10 am- 4pm
Sunday 13th September 12 noon - 5 pm
Monday 14th Sept 10 am-5 pm
Tuesday 15th 10 am-5pm
Wednesday 16th 6 pm-9 pm (Harrow Writers Dress Rehearsal 8-10)
Thursday 17th 6 pm-9 pm Harrow Writers perform approx 7.30-10 (For details see Harrow Writers' Circle website)
Friday 18th Sept 10-5
Saturday 10-4
Sunday 20th September 12 non- 5 pm Vision Division - an Exhibition of Contemporary Art

at All Saints Church, 90 Uxbridge Road, Harrow Weald HA3 6DQ

HARROW WRITERS' CIRCLE MEETINGS
See harrowwriters.org.uk
(Autumn Programme begins on Thursday 3th September 2009 with a GENERAL MANUSCRIPTS evening.)
Meets fortnightly at Harrow Arts Centre for members and guests, with additional meetings for members in private homes

~~~~ HARROW WRITERS' CIRCLE VISITORS AND NEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME ~~~~

Current annual subscriptions £30. Visitors’ fees £3 per session.
(programme may be subject to change)

Chairman: Oscar Monteiro 020 8427 6299 4826 e-mail: ocmonteiro@hotmail.com

Vice Chair & PR Officer: Indra Sikdar 020 8954 5824 e-mail: Indra Sikdar

Secretary: John Monaghan, 189, Canterbury Road, Harrow, HA1 4PA 020 8863 4826 e-mail: johnmonaghan679@msn.com

Treasurer: John Samson 01923 778105 e-mail : john@thesamsons.wanadoo.co.uk

Should you wish to buy the art, prices range from £75 to several hundred.
Books by Angela Lansbury include
Dating Online Did I Really Write That (Lulu.com)
(includes comic answers to emails from people who cannot spell);

Poetry Workshop Workbook - (Lulu.com)
Funny poems in alphabetical order by style, From acrostics, via ballads, haikus, limericks sonnets, tankas, terza rimas through to villanelles - handy for teachers, pupils and lovers of poetry. Handy poet's index at back so if you want to write a sonnet Shakespeare or Italian style, it reminds you of the rhyming scheme. Famous poems quoted include limericks by Lear, funeral poem Remember by Christina Rosetti, quotations from The Highwayman by Noyes Poems by Angela Lansbury include Grandmother's Clock, a parody of the song Grandfather's Clock. comic vaillanelles The Mess; I wish I Could Be Like You.
You can buy the books from Lulu.com for £12.50 for postage and hope that you will meet me so that I can write you a little verse and sign the book. Or you can become my friend on Facebook. Come to the poetry evening and buy a book and get it signed. Or join my facebook fan club (it sounds awfully boatsful, but facebook is full of fan clubs, basically any group following a particular person's site - whether they are an author or musician or whatever). If you join my Facbook fan club and ask me I will write you a personalised poem about you - or indeed your business.

Writing Poetry For Fun With Angela by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)
tells the reader how I write poems for all occasions from anniversary and birthday cards and Christmas cards, to leaving cards, also for advertisements, funerals, pets,with funny examples which include:three poems on weddings which i shall perform, wearing a veil, at Vision Division: Wedding Gatecrasher; Wedding Disasters, Secret Perfect Wedding.
Links:
All Saints Church www.ashw.org.uk
Harrow Writers' Circle harrowwriters.org.uk
Lorraine Pollard www.thecakeprincess.co.uk
www.bearfootperformingarts.com
lulu.com Angela Lansbury

Dating and Driving

Women are advised not to get into a man's car on the first date.

For safety reasons.



But many men need to be cautious for entirely different reasons. Many a date has foundered on first impressions, not helped by the car.

Does the car impress? Is it a business car, a white van, a family car, a sports car or what?

What does the car say about itself and the owner or driver?

1 I am clean and well looked after, inside and out.

2 I am borrowed,

3 I am second-hand and dented, liable to collapse at any moment.

4 The driver shouts at other people and calls them, 'Stupid idiot!"

5 The driver swears.

6 The driver's life is full of clutter, dirty things thrown everywhere.

7 The kids have filled this car and the driver's life with their toys and there is no room for anybody else. Don't even think of kissing - pink teddy bear is watching you.

8 I'm inefficient, have no concern for my own safety, the passenger's or anybody else's, steal, run our of petrol and don't pay tax.

9 I like dangerous sports, I'm wild and dangerous and so loud you can hear me coming a mile away and so can the neighbours.

10 I smell of smoke.

11 I am not insured but I have a superstitious emblem hanging across my field of vision where I should be watching the road.

12 Every comfort is provided, and music of your choice. Satnav will get us there on time and take you home safely.

13 The car seats go horizontal, my hand is on your knee, I'm racing the engine and if you don't jump out now you're in trouble.

Your car, like your photograph, and photos of your home, should show you as a a clean and well-organized person. My problems. Finally, watch out for the unnerving apology or joke intended to reassure which has the opposite effect. e.g.

'I'm very careful about driving and drinking because I don't want to lose my license again.'

Copyright Angela Lansbury