What does a woman want? asked Freud. Many women tell a man exactly what she wants, but he doesn't listen. He tries to persuade her to do what he wants. That's like a salesman trying to sell you something different. Occasionally it will work. But not long term. The customer might change their mind within a week. Most sales courses tell the salesman to listen to what the customer wants.
A man needs to know a woman’s personality type. Is she looking for wild and exciting? (Many young women are. So are some older women ‘looking for a bit of rough’.
Or is she looking for security and safety? Even if she seems wild, she might have a hidden fear. She might be quite happy to get drunk, but be terrified of old houses with mice or spiders.
She might want to be excited by her fears in a horror movie. Or this might turn her off completely. Does she want to face her fears, or seek reassurance?
What Are Her Hidden Fears?
Maybe she doesn’t like remote locations, side entrances, front doors in the dark. (Better to leave a light on over the door if you are planning t bring her back after dark.)
She might not like basements.
She might not like heights. The penthouse is glamorous, he thinks. But not for Miss Timid or Miss Vertigo. When it has a sheer drop from the balcony on a day when the news is about somebody falling or being pushed off a balcony. So only invite her onto the balcony if she wants to see the view. Don’t keep insisting she comes onto the balcony if she looks scared when you suggest it.
Waterside. Seaside. Lakeside. Yacht. Marina. Canal. Great. Romantic. Lovely view of the passing boats in summer, you think.
But the news has three bad news water stories. First about the missing yachtsman. She or you will think, the missing man was more of an expert than you, but he was in a race, though you are talking about the fun of going fast. Second, the couple who died on the yacht near Somalia. But they were in a dangerous area. They said they wanted to die doing what they loved. You just told her the same thing. Finally, thirdly, children screaming as Dad drives the car into a canal. She now starts to think, is this an omen. Is somebody up there trying to tell me something. She is going off this water idea. The more you push it, the more you will bring up reminders.
Maybe she has a horror of canals. She might think they are low class, like her Granddad. Or her ex on a leaking houseboat, in the bad old days. She might think they are for toffs, like her old boss, who thought she would service him and get the bus home. Or maybe she thinks canals and rivers just dangerous, don't like the canal. It doesn't help to be sending pictures of a stormy sea, or a deserted canal at night, when the news is full of unpleasant stories.
A colleague of a friend might have just died in 'an accident'. For example, his family and lifelong friends have no idea why he managed to drive, through a major wall, into water. It could be suicide. But if his family and friends don’t know, how well can she judge an acquaintance. Same applies to potential terrorists. How does anybody in what they perceive as a war zone (this includes any place that’s had a bombing, Ireland, Israel, London, New York, Madrid, Turkey, Kosovo, Glasgow ....)
How do you know that somebody of another religion is not a terrorist, or that their spouse or child or brother is not one, unknown to them? How do you know that your date, if you’ve never met them, has not stolen the identity of somebody of your religion or sect?
Same as skyscraper hotels all found sales dropped after a major fire, no good protesting that they had sprinklers and this and that, sales still went down. Some of the potential customers didn't even realise why they were feeling negative. They instead put more emphasis on totally different reasons, and kidded themselves that what they really wanted was a beach holiday. After the tsunami holidaymakers were all booking holidays in city centre skyscrapers.
Some of them did not tell the beach locations why.
Others didn't even realise why they had chosen the city centre holidays. It was a case of once bitten (by news) twice shy. After the consumers had forgotten, the effect lasted.
Some had not even realised at the time of the earlier incident, what was programming their actions. Same with holidays in countries at war. You can persuade a few people to take the risk, but nine out of ten decide to play safe and stay home. Also a lot of people will book a holiday in a dangerous place and then fall ill at the last moment, their subconscious telling them not to do it.
Also she might not like the suburb or city he suggests. Hull, Burnt Oak, Milton Keynes, Blackpool. Her family might not know of any great attractions in or near his home. Has he offered to show her anything in a public place, or simply ‘Come Up And See My Etchings’.
Do you think mocking her and her fears will succeed? Probably not. Teasing could work. If it's too soon, or maybe any time, she might think, 'He doesn't understand me. He doesn't care. '
How about sympathising?
If they go out for a meal on a second date, he would still have the chance of persuading her to go back to his place after the warmth of the evening, after she'd had more time with him, which she might not agree to in the cold light of day on the basis of one evening's acquaintance.
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She does like him if she engages in a long, tedious, time-wasting correspondence. When she should be working.
But he might be writing to two or twenty girls throughout Saturday until one agrees to call at his place.
If he really wants to see her he should take her to a local restaurant. Unless she has other ideas. (A sporty girl might prefer to be active. A dieting girl might like activity and a meal. After drink, neither of you will feel much like walking or driving.)
Compromise. Find out what both parties want.
She wants to eat out but he is on a budget. She might be quite happy at a carvery or other inexpensive place. Result, a successful date.
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