Ten things I hate

Ten things I hate - and solutions I’d love.

1 Desks with no backs so when you push something onto the front of a shelf something else falls off the back. Solution to problem: An instant back which slides up and locks should be attached to every shelf and desk.

2 Mobile phones which attach to the wrist strap or lanyard so the phone hangs at an angel as you are drunk. Solution: Put pull out fold away soft rounded loops on all four corner.

3 Anything like a phone on a wrist strap which hurls itself against the rail or wall as you go up steps or climb into a vehicle. See 2.

4 Silver or gold rings which turn from round to oval or square when you knock them against a tap or door handle. Every ring should come with a conical solid rubber rest on which to keep it when washing your hands and which stretches it back into shape. I spend ages hunting for a pen large enough to stretch a ring or use the end of a knife handle and risk scraping silver or gold off the inside of the ring.

5 Socks which vanish leaving you half a pair. They should have magnets. Or tracker devices.

6 Tights which ladder and split. Maybe I should tattoo patterned tights. Then wear sexy socks.

7 Clothes which say ‘one size fits all’ - except me. Am I a freak? One size fits all midgets. Every size and shape should have a magic number. (I know I’m supposed to be size 4 shoe and size 14 but I can wear shoes ranging from 4 to 6 and clothes ranging from 12 to 20 - but none of the others (and not the size I’m supposed to be according to the tape measure) by the same manufacturer.

8 Friends and tourists who complain to me that the journey from central London to see me takes so long. Don’t complain to me. Solution. Complain to London Transport. Second Solution. All customer requests should be logged. Anything which gets 100 requests should be listed to be fixed or done.

9 Clothes which need washing. Every bathroom should have a built in quick washer and quick dryer so you chuck your dirty clothes into a machine before cleaning your teeth and rescue them clean for tomorrow five minutes later. Major hotels have quick dry machines for swimsuits. Public toilets have instant hand dryers. Expensive washing machines

10 A central wishlist for every person and a team or a hundred mentors for each person to fix their life. You mentor a hundred people a week and a hundred people mentor you. Like the system somebody started int he recession for vouchers for everybody doing favours for neighbours so you babysit for one person and somebody else mows the lawn for you. Like being good neighbours or good citizens but on a big scale. But I suppose that’s what life is. All families, businesses and countries work like that. From each according to his ability. to each according to its need. So what goes wrong? When the system is so large that nobody sees any immediate nor long term benefit and they get de-motivated. Corruption and leaders siphoning off money, or stealing it, or wasting it. Solution? A world where bad thoughts and bad words are banned. But we have that already. Every website tries to ban libellous, racist or insulting language. Maybe there is hope. So, let’s think positively. Not ten things I hate. Ten problems I would like to fix.

I must try to remember this for one of those toastmasters exercises where you are given a table topic (impromptu speech) on what I would do if I were king/queen/prime minister.