Comedy turned to Tragedy Talentless contest

As a comic act I'd previously had a warm welcome with my roll-up pianos and puppets. I also got a warm reception at my rehearsal with a story about dating a man with a beard who was eating spagetti.

I asked advice from my friend comedy writer Brad Ashton who has written for Groucho Marx and lots of famous comedy performers. He gave me a great tip on remembering your jokes. Just remember them A-Z. So my jokes went from Albert onwards.

I had my props on a table in advance. I'd asked one of the organizers to signal when four minutes was up so I could reach the end before being interrupted by the bell. It was a competition - no taking more time than the others.

I even did a last minute rehearsal on site in front of the neighbours. Then on stage I died a death, abandoned most of my scenes half way through and barely got to minimum five minutes twice.

What I've learned
I was on first, with no warm-up or great introduction from the MC. I was expected Barry Cryor to do the warm-up. But the first venue, the pub, had no music license so we ended up at the end of a field in a club hut.

Then - the usual problems with microphones.

Beer & Football Jokes
I knew from my previous contest that the crowd liked beer and football. should have had jokes about drink and football. Ironically, next morning I was tuned to Absolute radio and they had a poem about football, created as a found poem - using words from letters members of the public wrote about the referee controversy. Interestingly, when it started it sounded just like comments, but as the poem progressed I heard that it had rhyming couplets and a chorus of repeated lines. Gosh - I can do that. On the other hand their poem was entertaining, rather than funny. To make a poem funny I would try to add innuendo, or rhymes which sound as if a swear-word is coming but instead you find another word with the same rhyme - making perfect sense.

Judges
The judges were a mixture, just like the You've got Talent on TV. A belligerent male, a kind female.
(MC "Has the other judge got anything to say?" Judge: "Yes. I'm going for a piss.")

You have to plan not just a response to a heckler, but to a belligerent judge. I shall watch the TV shows with greater interest now.

And how you deal with somebody who shouts a rude comment after you've left the stage? Do you keep telling yourself, "I'm the greatest!" Or what? Ignore it? Have an answer ready when your return?

Exits
I was performing in front of the door to the Gents. I could have made a joke about that.

What can go wrong with comedy?

Microphone & Sound Level Chats
1 You need a few funny things to say about microphones instead of the usual, 'Hello - can everybody hear me at the back?' Maybe, "As I was saying in bed last night .... - is this microphone live? - Can everybody hear me? Even the people at the back."

One of our great comedians got fed up with audiences ignoring him. He went into a rant and everybody laughed. So that became his act.

Children In Audiences
Other people have more chutzpah than I have. I sat through a poetry reading with children in the front row and poets reading poems full of four letter words. I was not happy, for myself, nor for the children.

As far as I'm concerned, with children in the audience, all blue jokes are out. I was warned about this in advance by the organizers.

I thought I didn't have any blue jokes. I'm very subtle. All innuendo. But you need to have the confidence to raise your eyebrows like Benny Hill to succeed at this.

Your Supporters
Jokes about your husband or mother-in-law or children are out if yours there. I've seen top comedians go on despite having their Mum in the audience. Then when interviewed afterwards, they wave at mum. My supporters were at the back. They could not see nor hear. Although they shouted and waved at the start. Supporters at the back is a mistake. But they needed seats and arrived to find only seats at the back not taken. An empty area at the front made a stage created at the front, so I did not interact with the audience. The judges blocked off the front row.

Drunks
I thought one of the judges was drunk (maybe another - was there a third judge). And some of the audience. I could be wrong. They'd been watching football on TV and drinking through the afternoon, I understood. The bar person was taking orders for drinks and chatting to customers during my act and during the little kids' singing.


The photos show:

The volunteer - a girl of primary school age who was a singer was shy. My pulling the puppets and asking her to pull the puppets did not make her laugh but look scared and confused. I realized I should have got her at ease first with questions she could answer such as what's your name and how old are you, before asking her to take any action.

Photos show me with a big smile. Props are on the table behind. Also in plastic carrier bag. Now it looks untidy. You can make a joke about being a bag lady.

I shall be looking very closely at stage acts.. Musicians and singers usually have an assistant handing the props.

The most experienced and famous performers can die on stage. I heard about at American women who used her American jokes to a UK audience. The UK audience missed all the references to US shows which aren't known here.

However, it's useful information for my forthcoming talk on my experiences as a speaker. My Friday morning talk on public speaking was a great success.