Women are advised not to get into a man's car on the first date.
For safety reasons.
But many men need to be cautious for entirely different reasons. Many a date has foundered on first impressions, not helped by the car.
Does the car impress? Is it a business car, a white van, a family car, a sports car or what?
What does the car say about itself and the owner or driver?
1 I am clean and well looked after, inside and out.
2 I am borrowed,
3 I am second-hand and dented, liable to collapse at any moment.
4 The driver shouts at other people and calls them, 'Stupid idiot!"
5 The driver swears.
6 The driver's life is full of clutter, dirty things thrown everywhere.
7 The kids have filled this car and the driver's life with their toys and there is no room for anybody else. Don't even think of kissing - pink teddy bear is watching you.
8 I'm inefficient, have no concern for my own safety, the passenger's or anybody else's, steal, run our of petrol and don't pay tax.
9 I like dangerous sports, I'm wild and dangerous and so loud you can hear me coming a mile away and so can the neighbours.
10 I smell of smoke.
11 I am not insured but I have a superstitious emblem hanging across my field of vision where I should be watching the road.
12 Every comfort is provided, and music of your choice. Satnav will get us there on time and take you home safely.
13 The car seats go horizontal, my hand is on your knee, I'm racing the engine and if you don't jump out now you're in trouble.
Your car, like your photograph, and photos of your home, should show you as a a clean and well-organized person. My problems. Finally, watch out for the unnerving apology or joke intended to reassure which has the opposite effect. e.g.
'I'm very careful about driving and drinking because I don't want to lose my license again.'
Copyright Angela Lansbury
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Dating Older Men & Finance
Money
You have just told your date:
I can only afford to take you out for a cheap meal. I have given my son / daughter / son-in-law / daughter-in-law several thousand pounds for a new house. I doubt if I will ever get the money back.
Will your date think:
a What a nice person. Looks after the family.
b I’m sure if I stick around until Christmas we’ll go out on a decent date.
c People start as they mean to go on. Mean is the operative word. He’s going to be mean to me all the time, a different excuse every month, spending on the children, the grandchildren, the car, his next holiday, never enough for an evening out. He doesn’t budget properly.
d Yeah - he’s generous to everybody else but not to me. He values them but not me. he cares about keeping them happy - although they’re earning money.
e I’m wasting my time here. All their money is going to their children and they’ll never be able to afford to marry again.
f Goodbye to this person. I’ll date Fred - he’s a bit more generous. It’s time I had some fun. If not now, when?
g Okay, so I’ll have lunch with you on Monday. But Saturday night I’m also ‘busy with the family’ - actually out with Fred.
h Yes, well, I’ll give my money to my children. I don’t see why you should give your money to your children and live off me.
i Some people don’t know when to keep quiet. I’ve got more sense than to say this straight away.
j I like the fact that he’s honest with me. At least I know where I stand. I won’t put him off by expecting expensive meals. Just glad of the company of a decent man.
k Okay. So where are we going for lunch? You tell me what's in your budget.
l Ah - I have a discount voucher. Aren't I smart! You are obviously a pushover and do whatever anybody asks. Just leave lunch to me.
m I've found a place within your budget. No way am I missing out on lunch.
n A sandwich will do. So long as we go out somewhere. I'm tired of being home alone.
Now, consider both sides. What do you feel when you are told this? What effect might it have on the other person? What are you thinking?
a Gosh - no wonder I don't get enough dates. I must be more careful about what I say and the message it conveys to the other person.
b This is a revelation. But I'm not changing. Better to be upfront and get things clear from the start.
c Other people worry too much. I just want somebody who's easygoing.
d Other people are so complicated. Not sure what to do. Yet. I'd better read this again. And consider very carefully.
e I think I'll date the one who wrote this. She sounds amusing - and a challenge - will keep me on my toes.
f The person wo wrote this is just like my friend. I'll introduce them. They can torment each other.
You have just told your date:
I can only afford to take you out for a cheap meal. I have given my son / daughter / son-in-law / daughter-in-law several thousand pounds for a new house. I doubt if I will ever get the money back.
Will your date think:
a What a nice person. Looks after the family.
b I’m sure if I stick around until Christmas we’ll go out on a decent date.
c People start as they mean to go on. Mean is the operative word. He’s going to be mean to me all the time, a different excuse every month, spending on the children, the grandchildren, the car, his next holiday, never enough for an evening out. He doesn’t budget properly.
d Yeah - he’s generous to everybody else but not to me. He values them but not me. he cares about keeping them happy - although they’re earning money.
e I’m wasting my time here. All their money is going to their children and they’ll never be able to afford to marry again.
f Goodbye to this person. I’ll date Fred - he’s a bit more generous. It’s time I had some fun. If not now, when?
g Okay, so I’ll have lunch with you on Monday. But Saturday night I’m also ‘busy with the family’ - actually out with Fred.
h Yes, well, I’ll give my money to my children. I don’t see why you should give your money to your children and live off me.
i Some people don’t know when to keep quiet. I’ve got more sense than to say this straight away.
j I like the fact that he’s honest with me. At least I know where I stand. I won’t put him off by expecting expensive meals. Just glad of the company of a decent man.
k Okay. So where are we going for lunch? You tell me what's in your budget.
l Ah - I have a discount voucher. Aren't I smart! You are obviously a pushover and do whatever anybody asks. Just leave lunch to me.
m I've found a place within your budget. No way am I missing out on lunch.
n A sandwich will do. So long as we go out somewhere. I'm tired of being home alone.
Now, consider both sides. What do you feel when you are told this? What effect might it have on the other person? What are you thinking?
a Gosh - no wonder I don't get enough dates. I must be more careful about what I say and the message it conveys to the other person.
b This is a revelation. But I'm not changing. Better to be upfront and get things clear from the start.
c Other people worry too much. I just want somebody who's easygoing.
d Other people are so complicated. Not sure what to do. Yet. I'd better read this again. And consider very carefully.
e I think I'll date the one who wrote this. She sounds amusing - and a challenge - will keep me on my toes.
f The person wo wrote this is just like my friend. I'll introduce them. They can torment each other.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Etiquette and forks
Blog on forks and restaurant etiquette
I had a newsletter from restaurant-guide.com in which they referred to a radio report in which they said that somebody in Debenhams said they were selling more forks than knives. She thought that was a sign of sliding etiquette.
We were buying more forks - why?
Maybe
1 You can use a fork to go with a dessert spoon too.
2 You can eat some savoury foods with spoon and fork.
3 Spoon and fork can double as serving spoon and fork.
4 Americans eat with fork only.
5 A buffet with cut food requires only a fork.
6 The Chinese don’t allow knives at table (too dangerous).
7 Increasing amounts of meat is already cut up.
8 So are other foods.
9 Forks can be used to spear bits in tins and tubs.
The restaurant guide then recommended restaurants where you don't need cutlery.
To me cutlery is for convenience. It also saves you touching food too much with fingers. If you don't need a knife, it's still handy to have a fork for health reasons.
You can read more of my views on etiquette and restaurants.
I also wrote a book called Etiquette for every occasion. You might find it in your library or secondhand on the internet.
Anybody needing to commission a book, article, blog - or just to quote an expert - please contact me.
I have several thousand clicks on my restaurant reviews on trustedplaces.com
I had a newsletter from restaurant-guide.com in which they referred to a radio report in which they said that somebody in Debenhams said they were selling more forks than knives. She thought that was a sign of sliding etiquette.
We were buying more forks - why?
Maybe
1 You can use a fork to go with a dessert spoon too.
2 You can eat some savoury foods with spoon and fork.
3 Spoon and fork can double as serving spoon and fork.
4 Americans eat with fork only.
5 A buffet with cut food requires only a fork.
6 The Chinese don’t allow knives at table (too dangerous).
7 Increasing amounts of meat is already cut up.
8 So are other foods.
9 Forks can be used to spear bits in tins and tubs.
The restaurant guide then recommended restaurants where you don't need cutlery.
To me cutlery is for convenience. It also saves you touching food too much with fingers. If you don't need a knife, it's still handy to have a fork for health reasons.
You can read more of my views on etiquette and restaurants.
I also wrote a book called Etiquette for every occasion. You might find it in your library or secondhand on the internet.
Anybody needing to commission a book, article, blog - or just to quote an expert - please contact me.
I have several thousand clicks on my restaurant reviews on trustedplaces.com
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Dating and Friendship Sites - How to Star in A Novel, Smalltalk, Conversation, Emails to Strangers
When replying to somebody else's email you must always look for the good and be positive. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.
Assume the other person is well intentioned.
I don't understand the people whose profiles are full of threats. If I were taken up by a national newspaper I'd be thrilled to bits that a million people had heard all about me. The real problem is that to many readers a profile full of threats leaves the reader with the wrong impression, a negative impression. The writer comes across as a pessimist, an aggressive person, going through life looking for somebody to sue. It provokes me into an aggressive response. But, hey - I'm not that sort of person. I'm into conciliation, harmony, team-work, diplomacy.
So, on the other hand, if I were to reply to a person whose profile contained such remarks, I might re-write my reply, saying they are right to be cautious.
When I say I am an author, or wannabe author, some people immediately take on an aggressive defensive attitude. They say they hope I am not going to put them in a book.
I can understand that on an adult site. On the other hand, some vanilla sites list as one of the common aims of an ideal retirement is to write the great novel.
So why not reply that you've always wanted to write a novel. If you think you can't, a good reply would be so say that you've always admired novelists. If the other person has not yet achieved success, tell them it's a good idea to have challenges and aims.
One man writes an email suggesting that we could be like the characters in Lady Chatterly's novel. My first reaction is to say, hold on a minute with your suggestive remarks. I don't even know you. We women, those of us who are not call girls, nor nymphos, nor on the re-bound, are sick of getting hundreds of suggestive emails from men we don't know, living all over the world.
But, having seen that sex sells cars in advertisements, and that sales emails filling his inbox are full of suggestions, the poor chat is only doing what he thinks everybody on the site expects.
He's already corrected his first mistake. He said he was a smoker. I reply that I only have non-smokers as friends. I said I'm looking for a non-smoker. He has replied that he has given up smoking. Either he has, and he's improving his health and lifestyle, or he's a diplomat, and will accommodate whatever I want, in an email, in life, throughout his relationship with me and anybody else he meet.
So I should give him the benefit of the doubt.
After all, if somebody at a bus stop says, 'Lovely weather isn't it!' I would not reply:
'You're the tenth person who's said that today. I'm sick and tired of the weather. Can't you say anything original? Why should I discuss the weather with a stranger? You could be a stalker. First I want to know who you are, where you live and what you do for a living.'
'Gosh,' the poor chap would think. 'I don't think I can cope with this aggressive woman.
She doesn't seem to like me much, and even if she thaws, she sounds like hard work.'
(On the other hand, if he's working on the principle of any salesman, he will approach a hundred people, and if he gets one response, he will persist, and whatever their objection, he will find an answer, because he wants to sell himself and his product.
So, what is my reply to the man who wants to star in my novel rivalling Lady Chatterly's Lover? I draft a reply like this:
That's good news. A best seller would be great. But porn is available everywhere now. So to attract attention, in addition to the erotic extras you need great characters and a good story with everyday action, determined lovers struggling to meet despite distance and other obstacles, adventures, gifts or acts of kindness to encourage the protagonists, a heroine who has suffered neglect or worse from her family, finding entertainment, enlightenment and fulfilment, a hero who despite a few minor imperfections has a good heart and devotion to win over the co-operation of bystanders and onlookers, and his deserving lady, to fill out the rest of the book. Plus some stunning scenery. And, if you want a million dollar film which has everybody sobbing happily in their hankies and telling their friends - you must see this - you need a romantic, happy ending.
Of course, if he's far away, I am spending too much of my time on this. (The email to him and the blog about it.) If he's an intellectual he will be interested in a long reply. If he's a practical type a long email will bore him. But since he's already mentioned a classical novel, I assume he's capable of reading a thousand words and enjoying the entertainment. I hope I have entertained him, and you.
Assume the other person is well intentioned.
I don't understand the people whose profiles are full of threats. If I were taken up by a national newspaper I'd be thrilled to bits that a million people had heard all about me. The real problem is that to many readers a profile full of threats leaves the reader with the wrong impression, a negative impression. The writer comes across as a pessimist, an aggressive person, going through life looking for somebody to sue. It provokes me into an aggressive response. But, hey - I'm not that sort of person. I'm into conciliation, harmony, team-work, diplomacy.
So, on the other hand, if I were to reply to a person whose profile contained such remarks, I might re-write my reply, saying they are right to be cautious.
When I say I am an author, or wannabe author, some people immediately take on an aggressive defensive attitude. They say they hope I am not going to put them in a book.
I can understand that on an adult site. On the other hand, some vanilla sites list as one of the common aims of an ideal retirement is to write the great novel.
So why not reply that you've always wanted to write a novel. If you think you can't, a good reply would be so say that you've always admired novelists. If the other person has not yet achieved success, tell them it's a good idea to have challenges and aims.
One man writes an email suggesting that we could be like the characters in Lady Chatterly's novel. My first reaction is to say, hold on a minute with your suggestive remarks. I don't even know you. We women, those of us who are not call girls, nor nymphos, nor on the re-bound, are sick of getting hundreds of suggestive emails from men we don't know, living all over the world.
But, having seen that sex sells cars in advertisements, and that sales emails filling his inbox are full of suggestions, the poor chat is only doing what he thinks everybody on the site expects.
He's already corrected his first mistake. He said he was a smoker. I reply that I only have non-smokers as friends. I said I'm looking for a non-smoker. He has replied that he has given up smoking. Either he has, and he's improving his health and lifestyle, or he's a diplomat, and will accommodate whatever I want, in an email, in life, throughout his relationship with me and anybody else he meet.
So I should give him the benefit of the doubt.
After all, if somebody at a bus stop says, 'Lovely weather isn't it!' I would not reply:
'You're the tenth person who's said that today. I'm sick and tired of the weather. Can't you say anything original? Why should I discuss the weather with a stranger? You could be a stalker. First I want to know who you are, where you live and what you do for a living.'
'Gosh,' the poor chap would think. 'I don't think I can cope with this aggressive woman.
She doesn't seem to like me much, and even if she thaws, she sounds like hard work.'
(On the other hand, if he's working on the principle of any salesman, he will approach a hundred people, and if he gets one response, he will persist, and whatever their objection, he will find an answer, because he wants to sell himself and his product.
So, what is my reply to the man who wants to star in my novel rivalling Lady Chatterly's Lover? I draft a reply like this:
That's good news. A best seller would be great. But porn is available everywhere now. So to attract attention, in addition to the erotic extras you need great characters and a good story with everyday action, determined lovers struggling to meet despite distance and other obstacles, adventures, gifts or acts of kindness to encourage the protagonists, a heroine who has suffered neglect or worse from her family, finding entertainment, enlightenment and fulfilment, a hero who despite a few minor imperfections has a good heart and devotion to win over the co-operation of bystanders and onlookers, and his deserving lady, to fill out the rest of the book. Plus some stunning scenery. And, if you want a million dollar film which has everybody sobbing happily in their hankies and telling their friends - you must see this - you need a romantic, happy ending.
Of course, if he's far away, I am spending too much of my time on this. (The email to him and the blog about it.) If he's an intellectual he will be interested in a long reply. If he's a practical type a long email will bore him. But since he's already mentioned a classical novel, I assume he's capable of reading a thousand words and enjoying the entertainment. I hope I have entertained him, and you.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Twitter and online security
Somebody on Twitter reported that they got burgled after telling Twitter they were away.
It's an obvious security risk if the house is empty. And if you've left a frail granny alone she could be scared by prowlers and call the police and save you from burgled but give herself a nasty turn.
Maybe the Twittery Twitters would have got burgled anyway because they give out security information like that to everybody they meet, shout it to neighbours on the doorstep, tell the postman, the milk delivery man, the friends and eavesdroppers at the pub, leave a notice on their door. Nobody needs to know the exact dates of your trip.
If you are investigating a country for a forthcoming holiday, you don't have to say I'm going there tomorrow, you could say, I'm trying to decide whether winter or summer is best for a trip, to advise a friend who might go there one year. You don't have to say I got home (giving your location) - if you have two homes. Remember the saying, even the walls have ears.
So, what's the solution?
When away, give your phone to trusted neighbours so they answer.
If your trip's long, scatter valuables in locked boxes or suitcases amongst relatives. Not left lying in their hall, but somewhere safe. Hidden. Locked. Disguised.
Get 2-3 trusted relatives to house-sit. If it's granny and children make sure able-bodied neighbours watch the property checking sitters are safe.
My area's Neighbourhood Watch has pensioners walking dogs.
If you forget and twitter your travels, mention your house-sitters.
Once when I was away I had 11 people in my house - including my parents, my son, three of his friends (all martial arts experts staying over) and neighbours making tea for everybody. My trusted gardener painted the fence. I phoned each person twice a day checking who was there. They were all keeping an eye on each other.
We also do house-swap with families and get the neighbours to pop in and help them. Everybody loves it. The neighbours make new friends. The visitors feel really looked after. The family don't miss us. They are too busy telling the newcomers how to operate the heating and the appliances.
Twitter non-location items such as favourite books and records.
Even living at home don't twitter forthcoming movements like 'just off to the shops'. Nobody except your mother or children wants to know that you've been shopping or made yourself a cup of coffee. I certainly don't want to know that a dozen people have been shopping or made coffee. Even a world class celebrity.
Nor do I need to know about my own family. (Unless they are overdosing on coffee or drink. ) Your close family only want to know you went shopping or drank coffee if it affects them with an implied message - such 'as don't come home yet', or 'come home now'. If so, you are better texting individuals.
If paranoid or careful, check criminal records of twitter twins.
Be 'friends' only with identifiable people showing face photos. If you are in contact with faceless people, you should not reveal any details about yourself and your movements.
Save overseas reports; put them online the week after you get back. As a travel writer I have always done this because when travelling I'm usually too busy to check facts and only reorganize and edit after I get home.
It's an obvious security risk if the house is empty. And if you've left a frail granny alone she could be scared by prowlers and call the police and save you from burgled but give herself a nasty turn.
Maybe the Twittery Twitters would have got burgled anyway because they give out security information like that to everybody they meet, shout it to neighbours on the doorstep, tell the postman, the milk delivery man, the friends and eavesdroppers at the pub, leave a notice on their door. Nobody needs to know the exact dates of your trip.
If you are investigating a country for a forthcoming holiday, you don't have to say I'm going there tomorrow, you could say, I'm trying to decide whether winter or summer is best for a trip, to advise a friend who might go there one year. You don't have to say I got home (giving your location) - if you have two homes. Remember the saying, even the walls have ears.
So, what's the solution?
When away, give your phone to trusted neighbours so they answer.
If your trip's long, scatter valuables in locked boxes or suitcases amongst relatives. Not left lying in their hall, but somewhere safe. Hidden. Locked. Disguised.
Get 2-3 trusted relatives to house-sit. If it's granny and children make sure able-bodied neighbours watch the property checking sitters are safe.
My area's Neighbourhood Watch has pensioners walking dogs.
If you forget and twitter your travels, mention your house-sitters.
Once when I was away I had 11 people in my house - including my parents, my son, three of his friends (all martial arts experts staying over) and neighbours making tea for everybody. My trusted gardener painted the fence. I phoned each person twice a day checking who was there. They were all keeping an eye on each other.
We also do house-swap with families and get the neighbours to pop in and help them. Everybody loves it. The neighbours make new friends. The visitors feel really looked after. The family don't miss us. They are too busy telling the newcomers how to operate the heating and the appliances.
Twitter non-location items such as favourite books and records.
Even living at home don't twitter forthcoming movements like 'just off to the shops'. Nobody except your mother or children wants to know that you've been shopping or made yourself a cup of coffee. I certainly don't want to know that a dozen people have been shopping or made coffee. Even a world class celebrity.
Nor do I need to know about my own family. (Unless they are overdosing on coffee or drink. ) Your close family only want to know you went shopping or drank coffee if it affects them with an implied message - such 'as don't come home yet', or 'come home now'. If so, you are better texting individuals.
If paranoid or careful, check criminal records of twitter twins.
Be 'friends' only with identifiable people showing face photos. If you are in contact with faceless people, you should not reveal any details about yourself and your movements.
Save overseas reports; put them online the week after you get back. As a travel writer I have always done this because when travelling I'm usually too busy to check facts and only reorganize and edit after I get home.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
FIRE!
Fire At No 13, Hillview Road, Hatch End
Flames shot up from trees in a garden in Hatch End on Wednesday April 1st late afternoon. Neighbours rushed to the scene.
I saw the fire as a small flame beyond the garages, seen above them, therefore at least eight foot high.
I saw people running from No 11 to No 13. Nobody had phones in their hands. So, in case they had all rushed to help before phoning, or everybody assumed that somebody else had phoned, I dialled 999.
I alerted the Fire Brigade to the fire at No 13 Hillview Road. I was relieved to hear them say they were already on their way, having been alerted to a fire at No 11.
The flame suddenly shot up twice as wide and higher. In retrospect I realize that it must have been one of the taller trees catching fire and flames shooting up from it.
I dashed over to shout to people to get out of the house.
Smoke billowed as high as the houses. The fire engine arrived and officers entered Number eleven. With amazing speed, seconds later, I saw the hoses on the ground in front of the house and smoke diminishing at the back. Fire officers also entered number eleven to douse the fire from the other side.
I took a quick instant snap of fire woman Helen Demayer (with her permission). But I did not question her and delay her as the fire people were still busy spraying water on the smouldering trees.
Neighbours stayed with a shocked person at No 13 until other members of the family who were away shopping could get home. One of the neighbours offered to make tea. What a good thought.
A day later it was evident several trees had been burned. A member of the fire crew had confirmed my impression, that a few seconds later the fire could have caught the house.
The cause of the fire cannot be stated - at least not by me. At first a passer-by in the street thought that the fire started at number eleven. It was in the garden. So the most likely cause was a bonfire. But was it? No. Next day, other said they thought the cause was a flame weed-killer. This has not been confirmed.
How can you prevent garden fires happening to you? What causes fires in summer? Cigarettes? Barbecues? Avoid barbecues on just the day when it's fine weather? Only hold barbecues on drizzly days! Some hot countries ban both fires and barbecues on hot days. The sign on the side of the fire engine said that free smoke alarms are available.
Neighbours calling at number 13 had thought the fire had started spontaneously. We stood around wondering. Residents want to be sure it won't happen again. Somebody said it could have been anything, such as a piece of glass catching or reflecting the light. It was one of the hottest days of the year.
It may be April 1st but it was no joke to have fire destroying trees and frightening the family. A superstitious person might say the people at No 13 were unlucky. But I would say they were lucky. Only the trees were damaged. The quick action of the fire brigade prevented the fire spreading to houses and nobody was hurt. Fire brigades must get called to worse fires at houses which are not number 13. However, I shall remember that on April 1st I saw flames at number 13.
Statistics:
12,000 people are killed or injured in UK house fires each year. Risk factors inside houses include candles, deep fat fryers and woks, electric blankets (we had a fire start suddenly when somebody was in the bed), TVs and electrical devices left on stand-by overnight or unattended in the daytime. Smoke alarms should be installed on each level of a building and tested regularly.
For a smoke alarm contact:
Fire Brigade Safe and Sound 08000 28 44 28.
Useful websites: www.london-fire.gov.uk
www.firekills.gov..uk
The London site includes information including giving a questionnaire on your home's firerisk assessment, offers of fire safety checks, and email contact details.
For more information or permission to print copyright photos, contact freelance writer and photo-journalist Angela Lansbury.
annalondon8@gmail.com
First published in blogger.com under AngelaLansburyAuthorDiary
WORDS & PICTURES COPYRIGHT ANGELA LANSBURY 2009
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