Dating and Friendship Sites - How to Star in A Novel, Smalltalk, Conversation, Emails to Strangers

When replying to somebody else's email you must always look for the good and be positive. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

Assume the other person is well intentioned.

I don't understand the people whose profiles are full of threats. If I were taken up by a national newspaper I'd be thrilled to bits that a million people had heard all about me. The real problem is that to many readers a profile full of threats leaves the reader with the wrong impression, a negative impression. The writer comes across as a pessimist, an aggressive person, going through life looking for somebody to sue. It provokes me into an aggressive response. But, hey - I'm not that sort of person. I'm into conciliation, harmony, team-work, diplomacy.

So, on the other hand, if I were to reply to a person whose profile contained such remarks, I might re-write my reply, saying they are right to be cautious.

When I say I am an author, or wannabe author, some people immediately take on an aggressive defensive attitude. They say they hope I am not going to put them in a book.

I can understand that on an adult site. On the other hand, some vanilla sites list as one of the common aims of an ideal retirement is to write the great novel.

So why not reply that you've always wanted to write a novel. If you think you can't, a good reply would be so say that you've always admired novelists. If the other person has not yet achieved success, tell them it's a good idea to have challenges and aims.

One man writes an email suggesting that we could be like the characters in Lady Chatterly's novel. My first reaction is to say, hold on a minute with your suggestive remarks. I don't even know you. We women, those of us who are not call girls, nor nymphos, nor on the re-bound, are sick of getting hundreds of suggestive emails from men we don't know, living all over the world.

But, having seen that sex sells cars in advertisements, and that sales emails filling his inbox are full of suggestions, the poor chat is only doing what he thinks everybody on the site expects.

He's already corrected his first mistake. He said he was a smoker. I reply that I only have non-smokers as friends. I said I'm looking for a non-smoker. He has replied that he has given up smoking. Either he has, and he's improving his health and lifestyle, or he's a diplomat, and will accommodate whatever I want, in an email, in life, throughout his relationship with me and anybody else he meet.

So I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

After all, if somebody at a bus stop says, 'Lovely weather isn't it!' I would not reply:

'You're the tenth person who's said that today. I'm sick and tired of the weather. Can't you say anything original? Why should I discuss the weather with a stranger? You could be a stalker. First I want to know who you are, where you live and what you do for a living.'

'Gosh,' the poor chap would think. 'I don't think I can cope with this aggressive woman.
She doesn't seem to like me much, and even if she thaws, she sounds like hard work.'

(On the other hand, if he's working on the principle of any salesman, he will approach a hundred people, and if he gets one response, he will persist, and whatever their objection, he will find an answer, because he wants to sell himself and his product.

So, what is my reply to the man who wants to star in my novel rivalling Lady Chatterly's Lover? I draft a reply like this:

That's good news. A best seller would be great. But porn is available everywhere now. So to attract attention, in addition to the erotic extras you need great characters and a good story with everyday action, determined lovers struggling to meet despite distance and other obstacles, adventures, gifts or acts of kindness to encourage the protagonists, a heroine who has suffered neglect or worse from her family, finding entertainment, enlightenment and fulfilment, a hero who despite a few minor imperfections has a good heart and devotion to win over the co-operation of bystanders and onlookers, and his deserving lady, to fill out the rest of the book. Plus some stunning scenery. And, if you want a million dollar film which has everybody sobbing happily in their hankies and telling their friends - you must see this - you need a romantic, happy ending.

Of course, if he's far away, I am spending too much of my time on this. (The email to him and the blog about it.) If he's an intellectual he will be interested in a long reply. If he's a practical type a long email will bore him. But since he's already mentioned a classical novel, I assume he's capable of reading a thousand words and enjoying the entertainment. I hope I have entertained him, and you.