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I'm amazed how many people think they can email or text for months on end and you will still be as free and keen as you were six months earlier.

Take the average woman on a web dating site. Imagine you are her.

You are free tonight or next weekend. You contact two people. No replies.

You wait 24 hours. You try again. Friday night comes. You get 'out of town' messages, an illiterate letter from a guy who is out of work or lives in south america and wants to move in and marry you. A cripple with a dying wife and handicapped daughter wants you to dance in the nude. A man who has not read your profile says you are exactly what he wants and he wants your bank account details and money. A soldier in a bunker in a country which he cannot specify dreams of you and expect to be home in two years time. You get desperate and send to twenty more.

Half an hour later twenty more. At this point you give up.

Suddenly along comes Harry. He writes a long letter and is very keen. Sounds perfect. He can only meet you at 5 on Monday. Okay five it is. Sorry, he can't make it. He's just been offered a job in Timbuk-too. Oh, well.

Meanwhile Mr wonderful from the gym is taking you out to dinner and is about to move in.

Hello, there - here's Harry again, six months later. He wants to meet Monday. He's still single and thinks you are too. You had a row with Gym who threatens to move out.

So you go to meet Harry. He thinks you will invite him back to your place, never bothering to enquire whether your home is free. Too much too soon. It so happens Gym is going on holiday or moving out next weekend. But Harry keeps sliding his hand up your leg and you sharply tell him to stop and goodbye.

What did Harry do wrong?

Surprise, surprise, Harry keeps sending you follow-up emails. He thinks he can re-appear and try again about a six month gap. He calls you darling and delicious. You're not sure whether he remembers you or not. You've now moved on to Sandy.

Pete cancelled a date. Half an hour before deadline. You'd told family and friends you were going out, cancelled a meeting and another man. Spent money on a new dress. He's now sending texts saying he dreams of you. As far as you are concerned he's the stuff of nightmares. You think of a long reply but it's not worth wasting another half hour on him writing a letter.

Here's a Dear John letter:

Dear John
Thank you for the offer but as it stands that is not possible. Sorry, not into one night stands with strangers, I don't know you. It's a security risk.
Besides I cannot accommodate. My family are in residence with me so neither you nor they would like it.
Should you ever be in a position to take me out to dinner in the hope that we hit it off longterm, then I will meet you for dinner. If you can then accommodate at your place or in a hotel, that would be a possibility.> --------------------------------------------Hope you find whatever you are looking for

Meanwhile, Gym wants you back. He just cooked you dinner. Harry and John have emailed. And would you believe it, too late cancelled date Wayne and here I am been thinking of you fir five years Philip. They missed their chance. You are too busy ....

I often read advice from the people who I think should know better. They advise you to email for months, weeks on end, to be sure you know all about a person. Frankly, that gives them plenty of time to put their foot in it, reveal their poor health, worst nightmares, lack of finance, silly mistakes, bad jokes, and you'll be off dating somebody else.

And what's the worst advice? Send a girl a picture of yourself in a cemetery. Oh, yes? On the day that the headlines scream, Internet date girl found dead in forest/pond/whatever, after dating man obsessed with guns, Nazi memorabilia and images of death, the national newspaper thinks that its readers will be nervous about internet dating but doesn't think she will be shy of a guy who poses next to a gun or tombstone. Wild and exciting might excite the sixteen year old who is too young to do internet dating anyway. But for the legions of divorced and widowed that tombstone picture is the kiss of death to getting a date.

What is the most important thing? The smile. The face with a smile.

Friendly and reliable.

Slightly better than average. Not too rich and fussy, not too poor and troublesome, not boring and average, just slightly better than average, not indecisive, but very clear about limits, Flexible. Not needing accommodation instantly. Giving rather than taking. But no conditional bargains.

With a definite date and a promise that he can keep.