Conversation and Interrogation - What are you wearing?

Chat, conversation, interrogation - all different things.

Do you want to chat?

Yuk. Nobody in a pub or public place would start like that.

Chat - talk about nothing. Somebody who has too much time on their hands, dead-end job, lonely. Yes, there's certainly a time and place. But the really lonely don't want chit-chat which they can get by going round the local shops or seeing neighbours, who at least are people they will see again. The really lonely want to talk about their problems and their emotions. They want to get out of the house or office for a change of scene. That leads to conversation about mutual experiences, rapport, and then on to exchanges of confidential information.

Now, we'll come to where I am leading. You can have the strangers on a train syndrome. You meet somebody you are never likely to see again. You are faced with a stressful situation, such as a journey past unknown places. You team up against the outside world. Us against them. You confess to your problems back home, confident that your secrets will never be revealed or betrayed, and that your listener who has been with you several hours, and will be with you several hours more, so that if you make a mistake, you can correct it or get over it. You enjoy catharsis and sympathy.

But what sometime happens on adult sites is interrogation. Interrogation is one-sided. The questioner (usually male) asks something personal, then delves deeper, persists, or sends out a series of questions.

On the simplest level it's the cliche, 'What are you wearing?'

This makes many women irate. Why?

Do you dress from underwear up? What if you are not wearing anything sufficiently exciting? Should you lie? Are you supposed to fulfil his fantasies? Is that really the deal, your ability to harmonise with his wishes?

What if he asks for stockings and it's a freezing cold day and you are out on a dinner date in a smart restaurant? Do you say yes? Just to keep him happy during dinner.

But what happens afterwards? Will he find out? Does he intend to run his hands up your legs to check? You might even say 'no', even if you have worn stockings, to ensure he does not want too much too soon.

One of three things happens. You stop the conversation, change the subject, refuse to continue to talking an fall silent. Ask him what he is wearing. Challenge him. Are you wearing sexy ...? What colour socks are you wearing?

What if it gets even more personal. He asks if you are shaved. You could challenge - Did you have a pedicure?

Or switch the subject.

If you are really bold, loudly, 'Does your wife /girlfriend / ex know you are out with a ...' Or, "Do you meet a lot of woman for one night stands?' Maybe to save your own reputation, in case you are overheard. 'Do you think men are only after one thing?'

A man asked me a personal question in a low voice. i don't care what I say - so long as it's not about me. I responded by talking about a Museum of Sex in a much louder tone. He got really embarrassed.

On the phone it can be even more of a mismatch of intentions. If the man keeps asking your tastes and habits. Have you ever done this. Would you like to do that. My feeling is that you need to say no sex on a first date regardless, to rule out a trouble-maker who won't take no for an answer if you don't like the look of him.

A whole lot of men, whether submissive or claiming to be dominant, won't actually make a move. Maybe you don't get on anyway. But you have to be careful. Now, back to the interrogation on the phone. It looks as though he is being very sympathetic, asking you all about yourself, and you may think that he is trying to get closer to your interests. But as soon as you give a wrong answer, or express unwillingness to try something he asks about, you run the risk that he will stop and say, "I'm looking for - sorry.' Line dead, Or conversation ends. You've spent time revealing all to somebody who doesn't want you. You have to be very confident to deal with this. Even about wasting your time.

So, at what point do you challenge the interrogator, try to keep control of the conversation. Ask, where is this going? What are you trying to find out? What happens if you don't like my answer?

I said to one person, 'This sounds like an interrogation.' He replied, 'It is.' I replied, "I don't want an interrogation. I want a conversation.'

Then there's the conversation which ends with the interruptions - yours or theirs. Departure to the loo, and start conversation on mobile with somebody else.

The date or phone call ends because somebody in the family is sick. Is this just a ruse?

If it's true, is that why they want to get away from the problems at home? Do you want somebody who has to cut short calls and meetings.

On the other hand, your sympathy could be just what they need.

The message is often in the tone of voice or eye contact. If you are getting positive responses, I just love this, I love that, then you are making progress.

But if the questioner is sending you into negatives, and defensiveness, and challenges, such as, 'Why are you asking this?" then the interrogation has gone too far. It's time to get back to conversation, mutual interests, and establishing rapport.

I'd be interested to hear your opinions. And your experiences. Have you said the wrong thing? Been asked the wrong thing? Found a funny answer? Made a mistake and corrected it? Learned from one experience and got it right the next time?